


Between Stars

by HeavenOnFire



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post The Great Game, Pre-EC-ending, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-27
Updated: 2012-07-27
Packaged: 2017-11-10 20:37:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 36,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/470444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavenOnFire/pseuds/HeavenOnFire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three years after the war when the world is new, some wounds are still old but raw. John and Kaidan both found themselves in situation, they couldn't easily handle.<br/>Written because I needed something to fill the whole after the original ending of the game. T_T</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Dream

**Author's Note:**

> This story was mostly written before the EC-ending.  
> But somehow the EC ending was quite similar to my head-canon^^  
> Shepard is mostly paragon but sometimes renegade.

_"When this is over, I'm going to be waiting for you. You better show up!"_

" _Don't get me wrong, I'm going to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again."_

" _Take care, Major."_

" _Stay safe, John."_

_  
_

Again, night surrounded him when John woke up from his ever returning dream. For more than three years, the blurry images he kept seeing while his mind was at rest hunted his nights and tortured his days. But for more than two years the images were shifting, gaining weight until tonight when it was less disturbing but revealing.

Still tired from the dream and exhausted from few sleep, John looked around. It took him a minute to realize, that he wasn't at his own place. A look to his side confirmed what he was thinking. Of course, he spent half of his night in the arms of a naked asari, though he didn't even remember how it was.

All the worry of his days and the pleasure of his nights had been washed away by the sensation his dream had left on his lips. He could now even feel the heart-breaking pain in his chest, reminding him what he had had in his dream.

It was a familiar sensation. Like seeing into someone's mind, experiencing someone else's memory and feelingthe moment he had shared with this person in his dream. A person he didn't know. Or didn't remember. He had no evidence that what he had seen was real or just a sum of his fantasies.

But still, he could taste the sweetness this person had left on his skin. The weight of this person's armour plates on his chest and hear the beauty of that voice. Not just a voice. A whisper, nothing more, but full of longing and promise.

With a sigh, John rose from the soft bed he had shared with this asari dancer. She was beautiful, too. But somehow, now that John looked at her, seeing the moonlight on her purple body, she seemed unreal. Even poisoned.

But John knew that she was real and the dream wasn't. She was his only reward for surviving the day. A cheap drink and a few hours where he could really forget what he was.

How ironic it was. A man without past, without memory, without life, living from day to day, searching for something to help him forget. How unfair. How can it be that this was all that life could offer? Is this how the rest of his life should be? Wandering through the street at day, looking for quick credits to survive his next? Dancing at night to find himself a person who can distract him from the reality he had faced?

John tossed another glance towards the woman in bed and realized the promise of pleasure. For a moment he played with the thought if he should just go back to her bed and fuck her again, hard, so he would be exhausted enough to sleep till the next day.

But he hesitated.

It wasn't her he wanted. Wasn't even the pleasure such a body could offer him. What he wanted, John never even admitted to himself, was something deeper with someone he really cared about.

Here, in this dirty hole of a town somewhere in North America, no one cared about him. Sure, they realized his value, because in days like these people are glad to have someone around who knew how to handle a gun. Though, John himself had no idea how he had gained such a skill.

He certainly didn't care about anyone here in town. These people didn't trust him. To them, he was a stranger. A newcomer. An outsider, who was forced to stay in here, when some Alliance hero ended the war and blew up all the mass relays. For them, he was only a good shot in a gang. An asset they could use. And a threat, when he turned against them.

"Hey..." the asari dancer murmured faintly, sounding as seductive as she did when John met her a few hours ago. She turned to face him and John's eyes wandered across her exposed body, which shimmered in the dim light. "...leaving so soon?"

"Go back to sleep." John said, now dressed and standing over her bed. "I'll see you in the club."

She didn't answer to that, but went back to sleep. John was sure that she even didn't care if he ever talked to her again. It wasn't that he didn't satisfy her. For her, he was a toy just as she was to him. But nonetheless, it was hard to leave without knowing what was waiting for him outside the door.

So had his life been for three years. He never knew where he was going to spend the night or with whom. It wasn't that he enjoyed such casual changes of partner, but the nights here were too cold and lonely to spend them alone.

Wandering through the lightless and empty streets, all he could see were the shadows of rubble and the stars above. John had always enjoyed the view at night. Between the stars, everything seemed so calm. Somewhere up there, John knew it deep inside, something was waiting for him.

It was all so tempting to leave everything behind and simply follow the call of space.

Though he had no friends or family here, he had his reputation. His skill in combat and in negotiation had brought him a high place in this pathetic local gang, which called themselves the "Red Suns". He couldn't complain. There were people outside who didn't even have the pleasure to forget. At least he didn't have to worry about freezing or starving to death.

Though his didn't know his path, he knew, he needed to keep moving. He had seen people who weren't able to move on after the war, when the worlds were nothing less than wastelands and people's greatest worry was still surviving. The only difference was not being hunted by husks or worse, but now by hunger and disease.

Again, he was reminded of what he had in his dreams. That wasn't just a woman, who placed a kiss on his lips. Who had spoken soft words into his ears. But a promise. A promise of future. A promise of his past. A promise of who he really was.

There, back in the days he couldn't remember, John was sure he had held all these things in his hand. He had shared his secrets with people he trusted. With friends, who stood by his side when all hope seemed lost.

Once again, he lifted his eyes upon the stars. Now, they seemed all so far away. So small and so meaningless. But John knew if he wanted to find out who he used to be, the only thing he needed to do was to extend his arms and all what he had wanted and missed would be in his grasp again.


	2. Faces in the crowd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan needs his friends more than he thinks

“I saw him today,” the Alliance soldier said with a sigh, his gaze fixed upon the streets of the Presidium.

It was funny, how fast people build up the old things to make a new start. Merely three years had passed and it was as if the Citadel had never blown up. Well, it hadn't. At least not completely. Whatever Shepard had done up there, it only destroyed parts of the Presidium and the mass relays.

The Presidium and the mass relays had been rebuilt in record time, but the crater inside Kaidan's heart hadn't been filled a bit. Though he had managed to create a shield to cover what was hollow inside his chest, the gaping darkness still emerged at night. Or sometimes, even at day.

Like today.

After three years, where Kaidan had been numb, working his ass off to take his mind off things, the pain of his loss still sneaked back at moments he didn't expect. He had fooled himself. He had told himself night after night and day after day that the one man was dead and he didn't die so Kaidan can waste the change he got. But still, the anger of Shepard breaking his promise still raged inside him. Sometimes, he still could taste Shepard on his lips. Yet sometimes he didn't even remember Shepard's face.

A face, he just saw in the crowd.

“Kaidan...” Liara's voice dragged him back to the present. Her piercing blue eyes were warm and fixed on him. Though he hasn't seen her in a year, he still need no words of hers to know what she was about to say.

“I know, Liara,” he said, before she could make her accusation. “I wasn't thinking about him.”

“You'll need more than that, if you want to fool the Shadow Broker, Colonel.” She smiled faintly and her gentle hand found his. Kaidan was grateful for this gesture, but her touch brought back too many memories he tried so hard to forget.

“Look, Liara, I didn't come here to talk about him.” He said and hid his face behind the menu. He knew very well, that she knew he was lying. But her silence meant a lot to him. “I only wanted to see an old friend. It's been too long.”

“Yes, it has.” She smiled at him and Kaidan was happy to return this gesture. “So, Colonel, what's new? I apologize, that I couldn't make it to your ceremony.”

“It's okay.” Kaidan shrugged. “It wasn't really exiting. And I'm glad you didn't come, no, I mean, you wasn't there to see me fail at public speech. And of course, I know that you have much to do. Now more than ever. All seemed so easy in the old days.”

“Nothing was ever easy, Kaidan,” she corrected.

“Well, for me, it was. I mean, back in the day, I knew what I had to do. Just keep moving, find cover and shoot at things.” He chuckled, remembering, how simple life as a soldier was. “Well, now, I'm officially teaching. I mean, the biotics division is really good, and does a lot of good stuff. But it's just not what I'm used to.”

“And your work as a spectre?” Liara asked friendly.

“For some reason, the human councillor likes to keep me here.” Kaidan said. After Udina's death and the end of war, Earth had brought forth a very strong minded female councillor. If she weren't a politician, Kaidan might even like her.

“According to my information,” Liara smirked. “She’s got an eye on you. I think, that's how you human say it.”

“Oh, come on!” A short laugh escaped from Kaidan's throat. “I mean, she's not as bad as Unida. And she's charming. Uh... I mean, she's... you know what I mean, but she's pretty scary too. But enough from me, how are you doing?”

“I now oversee some of the reconstructions on Thessia. The war hit us hard.” Liara's voice was low and Kaidan didn't miss the trail of sadness in her voice.

Before Kaidan could block his mind to the upcoming images, he again was thinking about the mission, where they had witnessed the fall of that beautiful world. Even now, Kaidan was sometime hunted by what he had seen during the old days, when reapers burned everything down while they listened to the screams of asari commandos calling for help. And before he knew it, he could almost feel the weight of Shepard's hand on his shoulder and the sensation punched a deep hole into his guts.

Liara must have seen the pain in his face, for her hands again found his. Kaidan made no illusion, that Liara loved Shepard less than he did. She too was there, when the final reaper-beam had separated him from his lover forever. He didn't even remember what Shepard's last words were; only how he had screamed while Liara dragged him to the evac shuttle.

“It's hard not to think about him.” Kaidan admitted finally, knowing, that it was impossible not to talk about the greatest hero of humanity. “I mean, seeing you..., it reminds me just how much we've accomplished together. And what we've been through.”

“When I see, how beautiful Thessia will be when I'm finished with her, I start to think, that this was just how it should be.”

“What?” Kaidan glared at her.

“Kaidan, I didn't mean to hurt you, but you have to accept the truth.” 

“What truth?”

“That he is dead,” she said firmly. “He died, because he wanted us to live. He knew what he was doing. He always did.”

“No, he didn't!” Kaidan shot back, not knowing where his anger came from. He might regret his outburst later, but for now Liara was the only target in sight. “He was selfish! He didn't even think of surviving this! He just did what he always did! Head first into the unknown! What was he thinking?” He sighed deeply. “He just... He just left me behind....”

“Though I understand you're still hurting, Kaidan, your accusation is misplaced.” She said this to him with a voice Kaidan had never heard from her before and he assumed it was her shadow broker voice. Something icy in there was just cold enough to make his shiver. “Don't look at me like that, Kaidan. You really need to move on. Human life is short enough and you're not doing yourself a favour by dwelling on the past.”

“Oh, that makes me feel a lot better,” he snorted sarcastic, though his voice was still low. “I have moved on. It's not the first time I make this though.”

But this was a lot worse than seeing Shepard drifting in space trying desperately to stay alive. This time, Shepard wasn't only his commander, his friend, but his whole world. He hadn’t even received a confirmation, that Shepard was KIA. There was no body to bury, no dog-tag he could hide under his pillow. All what Shepard had left him with was pain and memories.

When he had seen Shepard's body in space, his mind had accepted the death of this great man. But now, when he closed his eyes, all he could see was the fire in the heart of the Citadel and somewhere in the heart of that fire was the man he loved.

“How long has it been since you've gone out, Kaidan?” Liara again interrupted his thoughts. This time, he was even grateful, because if they lasted any longer, he might fall back into depression again. “You said, you've moved on.”

“Do you really need me to confirm what you already know?” He sighed again and finally ordered his lunch.

“I want to hear it from you;” she insisted. “You might think otherwise, but I still care about you, Kaidan.”

“Thanks, it's good to know.” He took a deep breath, banishing any unpleasant images from his head. If she wanted to talk about Shepard, he would comply. She was right; it's about time to get over it. “I'll tell you the truth. I haven't been out for fun since my promotion party.”

“It wasn't really a party. Due to my sources, it was quite... an official ceremony.”

“The closest thing I've got to a party.” he shrugged.

“What about this woman you're dating?”

“What? Uh… no! There isn't one! What are you talking about?”

“Miss Carsson seems to think otherwise.” Liara added, smirking knowingly.

“What? Really? Uh... she thinks, I'm dating her?” Kaidan stammered. “I mean, she's just my dance-partner and we went for dinner a few times after dance season.”

“I may not know much about human interaction,” she began, which clearly was a lie. After years she had spent among humans, she had become quite confidant with this matter. Kaidan took it for modesty. “But dancing together is a good way to forge a bound.”

“Liara, look, I'm really not looking for someone.” He said, face burning.

“No need to justify yourself.” Liara said still with her soft voice. “You have every right to move on.”

“Wait, don't get me wrong, I... it's just, I don't have many hobbies and dancing is one of them. I mean, not like Shepard did, but in a proper way. I mean, you asari must have a way of standard dancing too, somehow. I'm just trying to do something else besides shooting. Look, I'm not really comfortable about talking about this. What's your goal anyway?”

“Just talking to an old friend.” She chuckled. Kaidan was sure she enjoyed the way her gaze could make him nervous.

He turned his face again and fixed his eyes upon the streets. What Liara had said really gave him things to think about. He was so busy with his own issues, he even didn't realized that dancing with someone could be a wrong signal. Beside the fact that Kaidan was a rather good dancer, the extranet had made him a famous person. But still, he needed to watch his steps. He really didn't want to send more wrong signals and end up breaking someone's heart. Or his own.

“Can it be that you still believe that he's alive?” Liara suddenly asked. Again her skill of observation scared him.

“What?”

“It that why you keep to yourself. Avoiding getting involved with someone?”

Kaidan sighed and decided to be honest. “I don't know … maybe.” He closed his eyes for a moment and prepared his mind for some rather painful topics. “It's just... I don't know, after what I went through with Shepard, I don't think anyone could be enough for me. Not by a long shot.” He sighed again. This time even deeper. “Dammit! We're talking about goddam Shepard! And I'm so tired of chasing after him. He set the bar so high! Not just as a man for me, even as a spectre! I mean, having the first human spectre saved the galaxy, it really isn't easy to be the second and now the only one!”

“He would be proud of you if he'd see you today.” Her voice again was so comforting. “You have done so much that has nothing to do with him. You gave the galaxy faith in human biotics. Finally, the people around has stopped seeing you as freaks. And all that is your hard work.”

“Yeah? Maybe.”

“It is. You have become a symbol for human biotics. All the young and talented biotics are now looking up to you. You've given them hope.”

“Thanks, Liara.”

“But you need to stop thinking about him. What Shepard has done is legendary but you must stop following a dead man.”

“How could you say that? You, as former archaeologist must know, what one can learn from the past.”

“From history.”

“Yeah, okay, maybe you're right.” He turned to face her and was relieved as he saw the comforting smile on her face again. “You know, sometimes I don't even remember, how he looked like.”


	3. The Trap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Citadel is a dangerous place and John gets some unpleasant attention.

“I'm the one who asks questions!” John snapped at the Batarian. That he wasn't surprised or intimidated by seeing an alien before him once again confirmed his theory that he had been off-world before. “Now, are you gonna let me in or should I start shooting?”

“Alright! Alright, Human!” The batarian said, now nervously eyeing the barrel of John's heavy pistol. “Welcome to the other side!”

Intimidation was a good thing. Even better, if you had a heavy pistol to strengthen your word.  John never enjoyed the use of this skill, but in times as desperate as now, he was glad that he had it at all. It had helped a lot when he arrived at the citadel one month ago.

Just as he thought, life here wasn't any better. The business was just as dirty as back on earth and sometimes a lot worse. The pride of the galaxy looked a lot better in the vids and John had no delusion that life was getting easier here.

“Hey, John, check out that asari!” Runt gave him a nudge in the rips, while they steadily moved along the lower wards of the Citadel. “You ever thought of if there's a fat asari out there?”

John managed an annoyed snort. “Keep your mind on the job!” He knew that the gang member only placed Runt on his side, because this useless example of a human wouldn't make it otherwise. And maybe it was because Runt should be there drawing fire, when the shooting starts. And John didn't doubt that it would soon.

“Come on, it's just a delivery job.” Runt grinned and then whistled after the asari, which now put him on the list of 'most annoying things on the Citadel' for John. “I mean, I still don't get why they need us both doing this. I could have done it alone.”

“Just shut up and do what you're told!” John hissed. Though John was aware of the fact that he's being used, he still didn't like the idea of babysitting Runt at all. Unlike John, Runt just looked like a criminal. With his wanna-be battle outfit and his not-so-clean face, one could just tattoo “gang-member” on his forehead. “And stop drawing any attention!”

“Man, you ever relax?” The kid asked. “Look at you. You look so stiff, you sure there is no stick up your ass?”

John's finger itched to punch Runt in the face. Everything about this boy was plain wrong. Though his boss claimed, that Runt had been with them for many years, he still behaved as if he was shiny like a new penny.

John grabbed Runt's arm and pulled him a bit to the side. “Listen, if you weren't the pet of our boss, I'd just shoot you right now and get the job done! So either you shut up or I'm getting very rude!”

“Chill out, dude!” Runt protested. “So I'm quiet.”

Runt kept his promise for about ten minutes, and went back to whistling when he and John finally had the place they were heading in sight. A bar down in the wards, where he supposed to deliver a package. Though they didn't tell John what was in it, John bet on drugs or some implant parts. Of course, he said nothing. The faster, he could get this job done, the faster he would see his credits.

Credits he needed. Not for some nightly pleasure or better gear. But to pay off some informant to get what he really wanted.

“You're too good for this!” Runt said, while checking out another asari's ass. “Why are you playing the errand boy? You pissed off the boss? Said no, when she tried to grab your cock?”

“You said 'yes' and it didn't seem you gained much.” John shot back.

“You'll never know!”

“You realize you're making this run with me?” John gave the short boy next to him an icy look. “What does this tell you?”

They made their approach to the bar and just as John thought, the doorman let them through. That's why they've been chosen for this job. John was a new face; and though Runt was in the business for a while, but beside him, no one would ever look at this short boy, who can't be more than twenty.

Once inside, it was easy for John to merge into shadows. He didn't know how he did it, but no one seemed to look at him. According to his information, Runt was here to make sure they would be let into the private booth, where the exchange should happen. And to John's surprise, this stupid boy actually managed not to mess things up.

Inside the booth, John found himself looking at a turian in blue armour with white face paint. Something about this turian was familiar, as if John had known him from old days. But no recognition was in his eyes and John suppressed the urge of curiosity.

“So, you have the stuff?” The turian asked. John didn't miss the assault rifle attached to his back, though on the door was a clear sign, which said that no weapon was allowed here. He couldn’t complain. Hidden under his own leather jacket was his own weapon, which could proof its worth once the shooting started.

But there was something else. Something was wrong about this turian. A look into Runt's face confirmed John's suspicions. Even this dumbass Runt could see, that this surly isn't the man they were expecting.

“The package!” The turian demanded.

“How can I be sure, you're the one I need?” John asked, feeling the knot tighten in his stomach.

“You can't, human.”

That was the moment, when John felt that something snapped. It was only a flinch in the turian's black eyes, but it was enough for John to know, that now was the moment for him to duck.

He let his body drop and exactly in the same moment, two well-aimed dart came out of nowhere. If John hadn't dropped himself to the ground, he was sure one would have hit him. Runt however wasn't so fast and he heard the thud, when Runt's body hit the floor beside him.

If someone had asked him, how he had managed to roll behind cover and draw his weapon at the same time, John couldn't answer. He only knew that something went very very wrong. All at the sudden, the booth was stormed by turian in the familiar armour of the C-Sec and in the middle of the line stood the one he supposed to trade with.

He cursed himself for not noticing that this was a trap and made sure that the small package was still in his pocket. If he messed this up, all of his chance to buy some information would be lost.

The sound of a grenade landing somewhere caught his ears and instinctively, John rolled out of cover. He didn’t even hesitate, when he shot the two turian before him in the head, which surprised himself. This looked bad. It was all him, all alone against at least five turian all armed with rifles and the only way out that John could see was the ventilation shaft above the couch.

Much to his surprise, none of the turian shot at him, which gave John the feeling that they wanted him alive. Of course, there's no way, John would allow himself to be captured alive. He knew what he could expect if he should ever been captured. There was no way they would believe what he had to say. Besides, he just shot two C-sec officers and was carrying a package under his jacket, which probably contained highly illegal stuff.

So he went for the vent.

He jumped out of his cover, kicked one turian in the face and punched the other through a wall and before he knew it, he was completely in the darkness of the ventilation shaft.

“Don't shoot!” the voice of one turian came through the vent. “The spectre wants him alive!”

“Sir, we've lost him.” Another said with low voice but John still managed to hear it. “he's in the vent. He... Understood, Sir.”

Shaking off the surprise, John moved along the vent. He assumed, that the ventilation system in the citadel was a maze of its own and it gave him at least the hope, that they might lose track of him. But still, he didn't dare to slow down.

With adrenaline in his veins, John felt alive. Much more alive than any of those night, when he escaped into pleasure full of drugs. Much to his surprise, he wasn't even scared. He moved, as if the ventilation system of this station was his home and with his guts telling him where to go, he finally lost the feeling of being lost.

After what seemed like an hour, John saw light from below, which didn't look like a well-lit area of the citadel. With only his own breathing and heartbeat as company, he listened and waited until he could hear no sound from outside. Then silently, he merged out of the shadows and dropped to the empty alleyway.

There was a flash of blue and before John realized it, he was hovering in mid-air. Only this time, he couldn't so much as move one of his muscles. This was a new experience. John had heard about biotics and occasionally saw one in the vids, but never before had he encountered one. At least, not that he remembered.

Trying to save the last of his dignity, John glared at his attacker, whose face he couldn't see behind the helmet. In front of him stood one of the most intimidating figures he had ever seen. Dressed completely in a set of blue armour with white strips, the helmeted man paced around him, slowly with one hand extended.

“John Smith, you are under arrest by citadel law.” The man said with a husky voice, and John could hear something like pain in it. “Now, take him to HQ!”

John closed his eyes and cursed mentally. He knew he had lost this battle and cursed even more, when he realized, that the chance of finding the person he sought had just moved out of his reach.


	4. Sex with a dead man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan sees a ghost twice a day.

Seeing John Shepard's face before him was about the most painful thing Kaidan had experienced recently. Trying to breathe and keep himself under control, Kaidan resisted the rage which returned when he saw what this criminal had done to sully his former lover's memory.

He really wasn't the guy who was fast to violence; but this one did such an incredibly good job in getting Shepard's face done, Kaidan found himself in a similar state when he saw what the Illusive Man had done in the sanctuary. 

Again, he buried his fist in the imposter's stomach and this time the painful grunt coming from his victim indeed pleased him.

“I am a council spectre and if I were you, I'll start talking.” He hissed, threatening, causing a concerned look from Commander Bailey from behind the window.

But Kaidan didn't care.

The imposter managed a hoarse laugh. “I don't know what you want to hear,” he snorted with John Shepard's voice. “I've told you, I'm just an errand boy.”

Incredibly good job! But Kaidan will break him whatever it costed. For Shepard's sake.

“The truth!” He demanded with another blow into John Shepard's face. This time his fist blistered with blue energy. “What is your gain? Where did you get it done?”

“Get what done?” the man who claimed to be John Smith growled. Though the beating Kaidan had given him must have hurt, this lowlife showed little sign of it. Smith only clenched his teeth and glared at the spectre as if Kaidan was the person he hated most. “First, I'd like to hear the charge! You can't just arrest me because I was in a club!”

“Don't get dumb on me!” Kaidan hissed, now showing the imposter his glowing fist. He moved so close to this man called John Smith, he could even see his own glowing reflection in the man's eye. “You know what you have done! I swear, if you don't start talking right now I'll just show you what a human biotic can do!”

“Hey don't swear to me, pretty-boy!” Smith growled. “I'm still just an errand boy! You want my boss? We can cut a deal!”

This tone! It sounded so much like Shepard when he was off playing the bad guy that again Kaidan's gut twisted. This time, when he unleashed his biotics, it caught the imposter in full scale and with a loud crack the man crashed against the wall along with the stool he sat on.

A firm grip from Commander Bailey on his shoulder told Kaidan that he might have gone too far. It never had been a good idea to be assigned to this task. Everyone knew how close he and Shepard had been and Kaidan only accepted, because he knew he was the one who could really beat the crap of these guys.

“Alenko,” Bailey whispered. “Maybe you should take a break.”

 Kaidan nodded, knowing that if he didn't get out of here soon, he might just kill this one like he had accidentally killed another imposter. “Get me a file on him! I want to know everything about him. Every record.”

“Kaidan,” Bailey began, when they left the room, “you really should take it easy.”

Kaidan turned to face him by twisting his whole upper body, because his armour was too bulky for him to see the man by turning his head. “If this is just a fan like you assume he is, or like the last two, I can deal with it. But there is more to this guy.”

“Yeah, normal fan-boys don't put on his face and even get his voice done.” Bailey said and poured a cup of coffee for Kaidan. “Besides, even I can see, there is more to it. You remember how the last one shit his pants when you started to glow?”

“The last one was an idiot!” Kaidan shook his head in disbelief. “We spend more time with chasing fan-boys than dealing with the real threat.”

“What are you suggesting, Colonel?”

“That this one is not just a thug.” Kaidan confirmed, drinking his coffee and glaring at the imposter through the window. “I've seen the vids from the scene. Sorry for your men. But it confirmed that he's a professional. His face is too well done. I can't see any visible scars or signs of surgery. It's seriously good work. And this voice....” In his mind, thousands of wild theories appeared. It all started with Cerberus and ended somewhere far beyond the Reapers. He shook his head again and told himself, that without proof those were just theories. “Interrogate him. Get him checked. I want every detail you can get. Retina-scans, blood-test, DNA-test, psychological profile, just everything!”

“Are you sure?” Bailey asked hesitantly, now massaging his temper, probably thinking of how much work it will be just for another fan-boy.

“Look, Bailey, no common fan-boy could shoot two of your best man within seconds. And the stunts he pulled, I couldn't have done it any better. Besides, it just makes no sense. Someone who's so well prepared and so well... made doesn't just work for some low-level gang as an errand boy.”

“Or it's just a coincidence. You know, people sometimes look similar. I've a cousin back on earth, I swear, he looks just like this pilot of yours.”

“You didn't just say that.” Kaidan said with a deep voice, suddenly realizing, how intimidating he sounded. “Commander, I might be a little paranoid about this, but we both know that this must be one hell of a coincidence if he's innocent.”

“Looking like someone else is not really a crime.” Bailey added, nodding to something Kaidan didn't know.

“Shooting two of your men between the eyes, with Shepard's face... well, you don't need me to do the math.” Kaidan took a deep breath. He could almost feel the return of his headache and closed his eyes for a second. “Maybe, I'm wrong. But until we have results, he's not going anywhere.”

Seeing the reluctance in Bailey eyes, Kaidan sighed. “Look, Bailey, the Council assigned me to this task and I don't to things by halves. Just get the results.”

Bailey lifted one eye-brow at Kaidan's tone and again the spectre sighed. What the hell was going on with Bailey? Why couldn't he see, what Kaidan saw. Knowing, that this was not going anywhere, Kaidan decided to use the one card he didn't like at all. “Commander, this is an order.”

Now, Bailey nodded, making a half-hearted salute. He really hoped, he hadn't just lost Bailey as a friend. Yet he understood Bailey's concerns. When the Council came up with this crazy idea about hunting down people who worshipped Shepard so much they put on his face, Kaidan's reaction was similar to Bailey's now. But after three arrests where people really thought they might become a big fish in the crime scene by having Shepard's look, Kaidan realized the seriousness of the situation.

And if this one wanted to mess with him, well, Kaidan was just about to let go of all the anger he felt about Shepard. Still trying to calm his mind, Kaidan made his way back to the spectre office and changed into his usual uniform after taking a quick shower. It had been a hell of a day. But at least this time, his trap caught a big fish.

By the time Kaidan got home, it was already dark. With his thoughts constantly dwelling on John Shepard he moved in his own apartment like a ghost, not knowing what he should do anymore. It was still hard to get his job done. Why couldn't the council just let him do something entirely different? Like hunting the remaining follower of the Reapers who thought they could bring back the evil. Why couldn't he just close his eyes and see, what every other man sees? Why couldn't he just see the future and not the torturing past?

With Shepard's face as clear as his own before his mind's eye Kaidan didn't even dare to sleep, because he knew when he slept, time he had shared with the first human spectre would return. And when he woke up, reality would become a new nightmare.

Sitting along on his couch, tired of his own thoughts, Kaidan drank his whiskey by himself. In times like this, he wished he had died along Shepard's side. He knew he should be grateful for being alive and safe, but without the promise of the future, he didn't know what the present could bring.

He had quit dancing with Sandy a couple of weeks ago. It turned out that he had sent wrong signals and that Sandy really thought they were dating. Now, without the distracting dance sessions, the only thing he did to distract himself from mourning Shepard was to think about what Shepard might to with him if he were here.

On this thought and with the effect of alcohol kicking in, Kaidan felt the heat rising between his loins. He let one hand slip under his pants and imagined it was Shepard's. He remembered how Shepard had done this to him in their rare moments of peace when stars were the only thing above them.

Kaidan had never been close to a man before Shepard and he hadn't ever after. No one had ever touched him like Shepard had done, like he was doing it now, thinking of the Commander who was, is, and will be the only man in his life.

“Shepard....” he whispered and remembered the icy blue eyes he loved so much. In his mind, it was Shepard's hand now, which gave him so much pleasure. Those battle-proven fingers wandered across his body and his hand stroke Kaidan so powerful, his pants became too tight very soon.

That was the advantage of living alone. He could do it wherever he wanted and with whatever he wanted. Moving into his bedroom, Kaidan still imagined Shepard standing behind him, pushing him, taking off his cloth. By the time he reached his bed, he was prepared for whatever Shepard was ready to do.

In the drawer of his night-table, Kaidan found what he was looking for. He pretended that all the toys he possessed were real parts of Shepard's god-like body and all the feelings inside him was only because he loved the man so much.

Thinking of John, how his lips had moved over his skin, Kaidan touched his own body. With his hand upon his nipples, he yanked, pretending it was Shepard's teeth. His moved further downwards and when Shepard's hand found his hips, it squeezed so hard Kaidan was sure he would see the marks in the morning.

And then, he parted his legs for Shepard's warm and muscular body to find its place between them. With eyes only partly open, he covered his vibrator with lube and then placed it between his own legs.

“I'm ready, Commander.” he whispered and with a deep groan, Shepard entered him. It felt so real, Kaidan let out an even louder moan.

The vibrator was hot thank to the heat source inside, but in Kaidan's mind it wasn't just a tool to satisfy himself but Shepard, who was pushing inside hard, filling Kaidan with joy he had only experienced a few times in his life. He always enjoyed how Shepard had taken him. How Shepard had squeezed his hip and kissed his chest. The harder Shepard took him, the harder Kaidan's hand moved until the lust was the only thing he knew.

He moaned Shepard's name and gasped out commands for what his lover should do, and his hand obeyed, sending lustful thrills up his spine. Shepard's other hand found his fully aroused member and again, Kaidan stroked it just as Shepard had done before.

“Shepard, harder!” He begged and the part of his body which had become Shepard did as he told. He bit his lower lip, because the feeling was almost real. He closed his eyes and the angelic feature of his lover appeared above him.

With eyes locked upon Kaidan's deeply flushed face, the commander let his body slam into Kaidan's hard and fast. His other hand didn't stop to please his lover and his lips were now all over. When Kaidan concentrated enough, he could even feel the weight of Shepard's body on his chest.

“Kaidan!” Shepard moaned, while he closed his eyes and buried his lips in Kaidan's neck. He moved even faster and the room was suddenly filled with blue flickers of biotic energy.

“Dammit, Shepard! ... Fuck!” Kaidan moaned, his fingernails scratching along the other man's powerful back. With heartbeat roaring in his ears, Kaidan let go of all his restrains while the sensation of climax overwhelmed him.

He didn't even remember falling asleep when the sound of his omni-tool woke him. A quick glance at his clock told him that he had slept the whole night without dreaming.

“Alenko...” he answered, now fully awake.

“Colonel Alenko,” It was Bailey. “We just got the first results. You better come to see for yourself. ASAP.”

It took him 15 minutes to get ready and another 15 to get to the C-sec HQ. Once there, he was greeted by a very pale looking Commander Bailey and Kaidan had the feeling a very long and exhausting day was about to begin.

Of course, he wasn't disappointed.

“This can't be,” Kaidan whispered, while he looked at the data-pad Bailey just placed in his hand. He didn't remember having such a heart-attack since they told him Shepard was dead.

“Hey, you need to stay calm, Sir.” Bailey was as ashen as Kaidan was now, but he still managed to grab a coffee without his hands shaking too bad.

“Son of a bitch!”

“Kaidan...”

“Don't Kaidan me!” Kaidan snapped, instantly regretting it. “Are you sure, these tests are accurate?”

“We ran them twice. Same result.” Bailey reassured and then grabbed one of Kaidan's arms, causing an instant flicker of his biotics. “You really need to stay calm.”

“How am I supposed to do that!?” He jerked his arm away and didn't realize he was already heading towards the cell of the imposter or whatever he was. “You just told me that this _is_ John Shepard!”

 


	5. Charge, Nova and lots of beams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan pisses John off and John pisses everybody else off. At least Liara seems calm.

John didn't remember having such a bad night since he once woke up between three asari and a turian with a headache as if an elcor had eaten him alive and shit him out again.

The whole night - if it was night he couldn't say for sure - doctors came and went. He had to piss, spit, bleed and they'd even cut him for some skin tissues. As if that wasn't enough, he'd been brought to some medical lab for them to run several tests on him. Since he had refused to do so the first time, they shorthand sedated him.

He didn't want to imagine what happened during the hours where he just laid there and counted sheep, but John never enjoyed being left in the dark.  For now, he was back in his holding-cell, which was dark and smelled like as if korgans had fucked in here the night before. At least they untied him, though it meant less comfort. The beating he'd received from that council spectre the day before was still hurting and he wondered what in the name of hell that man's problem was.

Speak of the devil; the door to his cell flew open, exposing the same man who had given him all this hard time. The spectre seemed even bigger without his blue armour and at the same time, concern and hope flickered in John's chest. One, because what he saw on that man's face was plain hate. Second, because he obviously was an Alliance soldier.

Before John could take up his defence stance, the man was above him. He grabbed John by his collar and the raw strength in these arms surprised John. Again, the spectre's biotics kicked in, reinforcing his whole body with this creepy blue glow. The dark eyes of this man turned blue and his lips formed a think line.

“What the hell is your game?” He slammed John into the wall and John felt his head bump into the metal hard. “Answer me!”

For one moment, John didn't know if he wanted to head-butt the soldier or just kiss the hell out of him. But a second slam into the wall let his body react faster than his mind. He punched his fists into the crooks of the other man's arms and a second later, his forehead met the nose of the biotic. The spectre let go of him and tumbled back as John rolled aside just in time to see blue energy crashing in to the place he had been a second ago.

“I have no idea what you're talking about!” He growled, looking desperately for something to defend himself. In this moment, anything would be good enough for him. In this moment, he wished he was a biotic and could use his power his bring down his attacker.

“John Shepard was a good man!” the spectre hissed, wiping the blood coming from his nose away. “Tell me what you want to gain by sully his memory!”

Another blast of blue energy flew past John as he tried to dive away. He felt himself literally flying through the air and when he landed, he caught only glimpse of turian guards standing above him. With a roll, he escaped their grasp and now he was seriously pissed off.

The spectre glared at him, still glowing blue. Now the only thing John wanted to do was to charge him and beat the crap out of him. And so he did. He charged the spectre with inhuman speed and for a moment, he felt real power inside him. Hard body crashed against hard body and when the spectre was on his feet again and the turian guards closed in behind him, John jumped, instinctively slamming his fist into the floor centring himself in the middle of biotic explosion.

When he could breathe and see again, he was the only man standing with blue glowing energy surrounding him. Not just some energy, but biotic energy. Too shocked to speak, John looked at his own hands which were now on blue fire.

This was just impossible.

The spectre before him coughed and made a pathetic attempt to rise. He had a leaking wound on his forehead matching the blood on the wall. He breathed hard and for the tiny piece of a second John even considered helping him.

“Who are you?” The spectre gasped. Slowly his glowing faded away, exposing the caramel eyes which were now filled with shock. “John, is that you?”

“Who else should I be?” John snapped.

“Shepard!” The spectre gasped and his expression changed from shock mixed with anger to shock mixed with hurt.

The spectre stepped closer and instinctively, John retrieved, fist raised. “What the hell is going on?” He demanded. “What have you done with me?”

“Shepard, what happened?” The spectre gasped again with voice as soft as velvet.

“I still don't know what you're talking about!” John slowly said, moving closer to the one turian guard's rifle now lying unwanted on the floor. Not for a moment, John let the spectre out of his sight and hoped that the scared expression in his own face was enough to fool the man.

“Are you kidding me?” The spectre, whose name John still didn't know, gasped. “It's me. Kaidan. Don't you remember me?”

“Do I look like I'm kidding?!” John now was totally confused. One moment, this Kaidan wanted to kill him; in the next he talked as if they had been friends. Whatever he had taken the night before, he wouldn't be taking it again. “Wait, did you just call me Shepard?”

This brought some recognition in Kaidan's face. He blinked and then regained his composure. With lips slightly parted, he walked past John keeping his distance and followed by John's eyes. He retrieved the rifle John had laid eyes on and then slowly blackened to the doorway.

“Bailey, we've got officers down.” He said in a rather calm voice. Then his eyes found John's again. “I don't know what happened to you, but I promise, we'll find out.”

“Don't turn your back on me!” John snapped. “I'm not some lab-rats! I want to know, what's going on!”

“Back to the wall; then I'll tell you.” Kaidan demanded and John made way for the others to get the two turian on the ground. He seriously hoped he hadn't killed them with whatever he had just done. Though he had been through a lot, he was still not comfortable with casual murder.

“I'm not a biotic! One night here and I'm suddenly some superman!?” John said when the turian had been brought away and Kaidan turned to go. “And you, yeah, Kaidan, you! What the hell is your problem!?”

“If we're not wrong, you used to be Commander John Shepard, Captain of the _Normandy_ and the pride of humanity. The first human spectre and the saviour of the galaxy.”

“Bullshit!” Okay, if Kaidan had told him anything else, he might have believed it. But he had heard stories about this Shepard and that man couldn’t be him. He knew, he wasn’t really a bad shot, maybe even a military. But Shepard? Please!

“Look, Joh... Shepard,” Kaidan sighed heavily. “I know this is all confusing, but you're doing no one a favour by defying us. So play along and tell me your story!”

“I told them before! I don't know!” John took a deep breath and resisted the urge to punch Kaidan in the face again. Now he knew he was some kind of biotic, he might have a chance to get out of here. But still somewhere in the back of his mind, he heard the voice within telling him that Kaidan was his chance to find what he sought. “I don't remember! I have no memory of what happened before the war ended. I was found somewhere in the wreckage and that's all!”

“Why did you come here then?” Kaidan pressed on, still with the assault-rifle in his hand. The way he held that weapon was so familiar to John that he started to consider the possibility of being a soldier. And that they had known each other. “Why the Citadel. What do you want here?”

“Any place's better than the hole I came from.” John said, though he didn't told Kaidan the truth, he didn't lie. “And I like the view up here.”

“I see.” Kaidan sighed. To John's perception, Kaidan looked disappointed. These eager cops, John thought. Always disappointed, when the guy they've caught was innocent! “Well, no matter if you're John Shepard or not, you surely aren't leaving. I'd like to have you further tested.”

“The hell you will!” John snapped again. “You don't have the right!”

“Actually, I do.” Kaidan said with a rather amused expression. He turned to go, then hesitated and faced John again. “I'm a council spectre and spectres are above the law.”

“Bastard!”

With that, Kaidan and the man called Bailey and all the turians and humans and whatever sons of bitches they were left John alone.

For a long time.

It appeared to be the fifth day before John saw someone face to face who wasn't all covered in white hospital stuff and forced him to eat food probably filled with sleeping pills, so he wouldn't cause too much trouble.

These days, John spent his time thinking about Kaidan's words. Him being a hero? Not just anyone. But THE hero? Shepard? It felt right, indeed. Could that be the reason for his longing for space? His terrible nightmares? His reflexes? His skills and so much more?

 After days of thinking, it didn't sound as insane as before. It all fit together. He might have crashed on Earth when he did whatever he did in the war. And yes, there was still this Alliance major he kissed goodbye in that broken city.

He slowly lifted his head, when the door to his cell slit open.

Much to John delight, the man who came in wasn't the totally insane council spectre but the commander of C-Sec, who really was much more controlled. But Bailey wasn't the one, who caught John's eyes first. Behind the officer stood a person, whose face was as beautiful as the angel in John's dreams. The young asari smiled at him and within John's chest, a small fire started to rise.

“Liara...” he heard himself whisper. How he knew her name, he couldn't say, but when her voice sounded, John was ready to believe every word she said.

“Shepard,” she greeted and walked towards him with movements as graceful as water. “Goddess, it's so good to see you.”

“Liara,” was the only thing John could reply. Seeing her, John forgot how to breathe. Not that her beauty struck in like lightning, but thunder from his past roared over his mind.

For one moment, it felt like as his skull would split, but in the next the simple joy of having memory for the first time in three years overwhelmed him. With her, images flashed before his eyes, revealing a piece of the puzzle he secretly wanted to complete. And then, when it was over, John knew at least partly who he was.

In his mind, he had seen her in a different place, a different time. In his mind, she wasn't wearing her artfully made dress but a suit of armour as strong as her will. Blue energy flicked around her and John suddenly remembered what a dangerous woman she could be.

“Liara, it's good to see you too,” he said finally. When her fingers touched his arm, he didn't jerked back but welcomed her with an embrace. It was much less than she deserved, but in the moment, the most he could give.

“Shepard,” If she was surprised, she didn't show it. “So you do actually remember me?”

“Yeah,” he shrugged. “Call it a big déjà vu.”

“It's very unlikely.” She said slowly, moving a little bit closer. “So, what exactly do you remember?”

“Ah, I thought, this might come.” John said, sitting back on his bunk. “You want to double check some personal issues, to make sure I'm the one you think I am.”

“You know me well, Shepard.” Liara smiled.

Though she wasn't a dancer or something, John still considered her much more beautiful than all the asari he'd enjoyed back on Earth. But John still knew too little about of her to say so.

“Actually no,” John said, trying to be nice. “I might not have my memory, but I'm still not stupid.”

“Good. Then tell me what you remember.” It wasn't really a command or demand, but still John felt the hidden strength in her voice and something in it reminded him: he better not mess with her.

“Really not much. When I look at you, I think, we've been friends. There is something about a bubble and you were floating,” he said, realizing how stupid he sounded. “And you and me on a planet full of stasis pots. And lots of giant beams.”

“I see.” She nodded with recognition in her eyes. “Something else?”

“Yeah, I remember how you love to eat those disgusting protein bars, though I have no idea where it was.” While he talked, his mind raced fast. He told her everything he remembered, or at least he described the images he saw in his mind. He felt no shame revealing details of his life, only relief when he finally heard the words escape from his throat. When he ended, Liara's expression was beyond pleasure.

With her eyes sparkling, she looked like a small child. “And do you remember what happened at the end?”

John closed his eyes and tried hard not to get too comfortable with the idea that he had saved the galaxy. Somehow remembering an old friend was one thing, but knowing that the man they said he was saved the galaxy was a weight John didn't know if he could carry.

“I don't know...” he said truthfully. “I don't remember.”

“But you will, Shepard.” She promised. “You will.”


	6. A glass of whiskey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John remembers but Kaidan wants to forget.

 

 

“So, how's situation, doc?” Kaidan asked, trying hard to focus on the job.

For the last six weeks his whole world had been turned upside down. He tried to argue with the Council that he wasn't the right one to look after Shepard, but either the human councillor hated him or she saw something he couldn't. With very clear orders in mind, Kaidan found himself again watching the man he loved through the observation window.

This, too, was a problem. His personal feelings almost jeopardized the mission, and that was a failure he couldn't accept. At least, he did something right. After Shepard's spontaneous reveal of his biotic powers where he nearly killed Kaidan and the turian guards, the spectre didn't waste any time to have Shepard's implants checked.

The results caused a new wave of mixed feelings. Either the man he was looking at was the man who meant the whole world to him or he was an imposter who had Shepard's face and voice done and even salvaged his body for spare parts. Kaidan couldn't argue with the facts, but what he did wonder about was why Shepard remembered Liara but not him.

Wasn't he the one who used to be Shepard's anchor? Wasn't he the one who had given Shepard strength? Wasn't he Shepard's soft place to land? So why only Liara? Why not him?

“He's ready,” the doctor said, snapping Kaidan out of his thoughts.

“Excuse me?”

“Commander Shepard is ready for release,” the doctor repeated. “He is in good health. I see no reason why we should keep him here any longer.”

“Is it safe?” He wasn't really concerned about Shepard's health since he had experienced it first-hand what Shepard was still capable of. But so much had changed since the Reaper War, and Kaidan wondered what it might mean to Shepard to see the world outside again.

“His mental state is stable. Once he passed the phase of confusion, he is just the old commander again.”

“He isn't.” Kaidan murmured to himself, too quiet for the doctor to hear. “Okay, Doc, I'll take him from here. Please, keep me updated.”

“Yes, Colonel.”

Kaidan sighed deeply as he watched the doctor go. With thousands of possibilities running though his head, Kaidan felt less and less comfortable with Shepard being released. There were so many dangers outside. Shepard still had enemies. His decision to save the Geth nearly wiped out the entire race of quarians and Kaidan was sure that the remaining quarians sought revenge. Besides, one wrong move and the whole pack of Galactic News Network would be lying siege to Shepard's door and if that situation ever happened, Kaidan would prefer vengeful quarians.

Still running scenarios in his head how he should protect the commander the best way, Kaidan nearly missed how the man he was thinking of strutted toward him in a leather jacket and as confidant as he used to be. The plain sight of Shepard standing just inches away nearly drove the air from his lunges. He felt his face burning and the twitching between his loins wasn't any better.

“Ready, Commander?” Kaidan forced his voice to stay calm. Dammit! He had faced Reapers with more courage. “Do you want to say goodbye to the staff?”

“Ready to roll, Colonel.” Shepard said the way he had once said 'Grab your gear, Major!'.

Finding himself unable to speak, Kaidan nodded silently. He had the feeling if he opened his mouth now, he would either say something he'd probably regret later or he would just yell into Shepard's face how much he still loved him. And both were highly inappropriate.

“So, where are you taking me?” the younger man asked as he took the seat beside Kaidan in the car.

Kaidan flinched at the suspicious undertone in Shepard's voice and wondered instantly what Shepard was thinking about right now. Though Shepard still wasn't authorized to be armed in public, Kaidan assumed that after six weeks of biotic training Shepard didn't even need a gun to kill him, should he still consider Kaidan a threat.

“To your new apartment.” Kaidan managed to say without stammering. “We set up a pretty home for you near the Presidium wards. I'm still surprised you agreed.”

“Why shouldn't I?”

“I don't know; it's just.... I don't know....” Kaidan cursed his lack of words mentally.

“At first, I wanted you all just to shove it.” Shepard chuckle, though Kaidan didn't think it was funny. “Then I thought, why not just try it? You give me treatment, training and apparently even an apartment and all I have to do is to tell you what happened once I remember it.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan tried hard to keep his eyes on the streets and resisted the strong urge inside him to pull the car over and have his way with Shepard right here. “Yeah, that's the deal.”

For the rest of the travel both parties stayed awkwardly silent. Kaidan said nothing, because he didn't really know what to say. He wanted to share his thoughts with the man he loved so much but didn't know where to start or if Shepard wanted to hear them. And Kaidan assumed that Shepard said nothing because of the lack of trust in him.

When they finally arrived at the apartment after a long and way too silent ride, Kaidan mustered up all his courage to look into Shepard's eyes, searching for recognition or affection. But the Commander didn't even bother to return his gaze.

He only wandered across the room and his fingers traced the surface of the furniture. Shepard had never owned an apartment on the Citadel or elsewhere. In the whole galaxy, there was no place Shepard ever considered home. Except one. In Kaidan's opinion, the architects did an incredibly good job on creating an apartment which looked almost exactly like the captain's cabin aboard the _Normandy_.

With the blue glowing of the aquarium spread over the bedroom and the giant model case above the desk, Kaidan was painfully reminded of what he had experienced here. He had lived in many places in his life; but to him this cabin was as much home as it supposed to be for Shepard. Only to him, it was the man who made this place his home. 

“Looks nice.” Shepard's amused voice sounded in his ear and Kaidan opened his eyes.

He didn't remember closing them. “So, you like it?”

“I appreciate the thought, Colonel.” Shepard turned to face him with one of his old model ships between his fingers. “If I ever had a home, I bet it looked like this.”

“So it triggered memory?”

“Yeah,” Shepard nodded and traced his battle-hardened fingers along his old desk. “I remember sitting here. And these ships. They're mine, aren’t they?”

“Yes, Sir,” Kaidan said, trying hard not to think about things he'd done with the commander on that desk or how cute the man looked like when he had one of his model ships in hand. “I salvaged them after the _Normandy_ crashed. A few went lost, but I saved most of them.”

“So, it was your idea? Put up my old cabin so I would remember more?”

“No, Sir,” he answered truthfully. “But I agreed on the doctor’s theory that it might be better for your memory-recovering if you stay in familiar surroundings.”

“Is ‘colonel’ not above ‘commander’?” Shepard smirked. “Shouldn't I be calling you 'Sir'?”

Kaidan managed to short laugh at the thought of Shepard calling him 'Sir.' “Just old habits,” he sighed. “I served under you during the war.”

“I think you mentioned it before. You said I was the captain.” Shepard again looked around and moved to the added compartment, examining the kitchen and a small dining area. “Is there something you want to tell me, Colonel?”

Gathering his thoughts quickly Kaidan felt his face burning again. He just couldn't stand the way how Shepard looked at him. There was no trust in those eyes, not at all. Not even mistrust. There was simply nothing as if Kaidan was a total stranger. 

“First, I think, we're past titles, Shepard,” Kaidan said, struggling to keep his voice even. “And, I… just want to say, it's good to see you back.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

“You don't trust me, do you, Shepard.” Words slipped past his tongue before Kaidan could hold them back. But to his confusion, Shepard looked amused.

“No, not at all, Colonel.” He smirked. “The last time I checked, you tried to kill me.”

“I'm sorry for that. No, hear me out, Shepard. I never apologized properly for what I did. I'm sorry. Wasn't easy to see you there.”

“So,” Shepard leaned against the bar and his eyes scanned Kaidan from top to bottom.  “You claim to be my friend....”

“I used to be.” Kaidan swallowed hard. “If you let me, Shepard, I'd like to be again.”

“We'll see.”

There was nothing worse Shepard could say right now. Kaidan didn't expect Shepard to smile or something, but at least he'd expected an 'Okay' or 'I appreciate that.' But not 'we'll see.' What? Like there's no chance they might become friends again?  If Shepard didn't want to continue what they had, in time Kaidan could accept that. But simply being shut out did hurt.

“You're just going to stand there?” Shepard asked, instantly making Kaidan's heart jump. “As long as you're here, you could just take a seat. I still have some questions.”

It was so easy to take orders from Shepard and by doing so, Kaidan had the feeling the world was okay again. As he sat down at the couch, which looked just like the one in Shepard's cabin, Kaidan realized he had a very great view of Shepard's loins when the man gave him a glass of whiskey.

Swallowing, Kaidan turned his hot face away, praying Shepard didn't see the expression on it and admired Shepard's skill to find alcohol wherever he went.

“So, Colonel, what are you planning to do with me?”

“Our priority is that you regain your memory. That includes weekly therapy session and physical training. The methods of your therapy are up to the doctors. Besides, the Council has offered the reinstatement of your spectre status once you're ready to return to active duty. Also, the Alliance Navy will be glad to have you back.”

“And if I don't remember?” Shepard asked, challenging.

“You will.”

“Everybody keeps promising me that, but still, beside Liara and this room I don't know much about me.” It was the little things in Shepard's voice which gave away his mood and except from EDI, Liara and him, there were only few who could tell the difference. 

“I know it's frustrating, but...”

“Not frustrating.” Still standing before the couch, Shepard looked down at the colonel, making Kaidan want to kiss him and punch him at the same time. “Just curious.”

“I've seen worse cases of people losing their memories.” Again, Kaidan had to admire Shepard's composure and wondered if his amnesia bothered the once-commander at all. “You seem rather...detached.”

“I know who I am, no matter if I remember or not. Without a past, I can still have a future. I'd like to know who I used to be, but I don't dwell on what is past.”

“Good thinking, Commander.” Kaidan smiled, knowing that Shepard wasn't looking. It was easy to find his centre when Shepard was around. And scary. Scary because he suddenly realized how lost he was without this man.

“I wonder why the doctors don't simply give me a biography of mine. I'm sure; there must be one somewhere if I'm really such a famous person.”

“There're three,” Kaidan replied, knowing what he was talking about since he had read all three. “But would you believe what's in there?”

“Probably not.”

“Like you don't believe me that we were friends.”

“There you go again.” Shepard smirked, now finally sitting down on the couch and pouring himself a second glass of whiskey. “It really bothers you, does it?”

Kaidan snipped his drink, avoiding an answer. What was he supposed to say? 'Hell yeah, I loved you and now you forgot me!' or 'No, not at all. I just watched you die twice and don't bother, I'm fine!'

“It's nothing personal, Colonel,” Shepard said, drinking his whiskey fast. “You tried to kill me and I tried to kill you. It's hard to think we got along.”

“You remembered Liara, when you saw her.” Kaidan suddenly said and hoped he didn't sound too jealous. Inside, he was screaming. It felt all like the one time so many years ago when they confronted the commander, forcing him to make a choice. “What did you remember actually?”

“Well, I'm sure you know Liara and I had been close.” Shepard said casually. “To be honest, it's really none of your business.”

Every one of Shepard's words hurt like a dagger in his heart. What did Shepard mean by 'close'? When did it happen? Kaidan knew that Shepard and Liara had shared a special friendship, but if that friendship contained....

“Okay, I get it.” Putting down his glass, Kaidan realized that if he didn't bolt right now he might just burst into tears.  “I should probably go.”

“No, no. It's okay. Please, stay.”

Kaidan tensed. For a moment he didn't understand what Shepard was playing at. But he wasn’t complaining either. If Shepard wanted to spend time with him, there's no way Kaidan was going to say 'no' to it.

 

\-------------------

 

When Kaidan woke up the next morning he had the feeling a Dr. Eva just screwed him again. At least he was still alive. Alive and in his bedroom obviously. And he still wore his uniforms, minus his boots.

Not remembering much of what he had done after Shepard convinced him to stay, Kaidan moaned in bed. This felt like one of those mornings when he tried to drown his woe in turian tequila the night before. He slowly moved his hand to shield his eyes from the bright sunlight outside and moaned a little more.

“Welcome to the land of the living!” Shepard's voice from his kitchen was enough to make Kaidan jump.

“What are you doing here?!” Kaidan gasped.

“I thought I'd check on you.” Shepard shrugged in an incredibly sweet way.

“I mean, why are you here? What happened?”

“Hey, slow down. Here, drink this. Don't worry, it's just water.”

After Shepard forced him to drink his second glass of water, Kaidan found himself in a state where his heart wasn't about to jump out and the noises Shepard made in his apartment weren't so loud anymore.

“What the hell happened?” He gasped again, trying to remember what he had done to get himself in this pathetic state.

“You know, you're quite a funny guy when you're drunk.”

“I was drunk?”

“And flirty.”

“What?”

“You always hit on guys like that?” Kaidan didn't like the smirk he saw on Shepard's face. But a smirk was now the least of his worries.

“No, I don't! I mean... what did I do?” Right now, Kaidan wanted nothing but to crawl into a dark hole so he could die of shame there.

“Well, I convinced you to stay and we two had a rather good chat.”

“Does it include whiskey?”

“Uh... hmm....”

“Why are you in my apartment?”

“Since you weren't even able to find the door by your own, I thought I'd better bring you home before you get lost in a dark alleyway and I have to save your ass again. Oh, and all that after we emptied my bar. And then I brought you home. Turned out we're neighbours.”

“No way!” He gasped and made the attempt to find his painkillers for the worst moments during his headache. “I know what's in that bar. Even Garrus would have gotten the hell of an alcohol poisoning if we emptied that thing.”

“Who's Garrus?”

“Shit!” He sighed. “So what exactly have we done?”

“The question is: what have _you_ done, Colonel.” Shepard smirked again and it made Kaidan's head spin.

“Is that glee I hear?”

“A little.”

“Stop torturing me, Shepard, please.” Kaidan begged, palming his painkillers. “Just tell me what happened.”

“We made out.”

“WHAT?” Kaidan nearly choked on his painkillers. “We did WHAT?”

“Just kidding.” Shepard's gleeful laughter sounded like cannon fire in Kaidan's ears and he swore to himself he would never drink alcohol again. “Colonel, I now know everything about you!”

“What do you mean by everything?” Kaidan seriously hoped he hadn't revealed too much.

“Yeah, everything. You know, it's quiet good to get to know you like this.”

“This is not an answer. And what the hell are you doing in my kitchen?”

“Don't worry, Alenko. My lips are sealed.” Shepard said, grinning. “I won't tell anybody about Rahna or Brain Camp or...”

“I told you about Rahna and Brain Camp?” Kaidan whimpered, slowly making his way to his kitchen table. “God, how drunk was I?”

“Very drunk. But it's okay.” Shepard finally showed him what he was doing in the kitchen.

On Kaidan's plate was a delicious looking mix of toast, egg and bacon; though the simple thought of eating was enough to make Kaidan's stomach revolt.

“Aw....” kaidan moaned again.

“You know, Kaidan,” Shepard said, bending down so Kaidan could see his icy blue eyes. “I'd like to be your friend if the offer still counts. Enjoy your meal. Call me if you need me; I'm not far away.”

Kaidan watched Shepard leave and after he heard Shepard's door close across the hall, he moaned even more. Hell, when this is over, he was going to drink Shepard under the table just for the chance to make him breakfast one day.


	7. Shadow of a hero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan tells a lie.  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With art by Rhapsody4u

Looking out of his window, John suddenly realized that he was thinking of Kaidan again. He was thinking of Kaidan a lot lately and the worst part of it was that he didn't exactly know, why.

He still had no memory of the colonel at all. He didn't remember Kaidan's voice, not Kaidan's face and he didn't even have the constant feeling of déjà vu that he always had around Liara. He still wasn't sure if he really knew Kaidan or if the man was only placed at his side because he was the only human spectre.

Liara seemed to know him, though. John missed her too. It had been two months since her last visit and three since he'd been released from the hospital. Time seemed to move a lot faster here on the Citadel and days merged into weeks and weeks into months.

Frustrated and mad from his solitude, John moved away from his window with a snort, cursing Kaidan's absence. John hadn't seen or heard from the colonel for nearly four weeks. Kaidan wasn't at home and wasn't available on vid-comm. He hadn't left a note and didn't answer any of John's e-mails. It was as if he really was a ghost.

Searching his bar for anything to drink, John sat down on the stool and thought about what he wanted to do with his evening. Maybe later, when he's warmed up, he might go to the Purgatory and look for some company for the night. Or he might check Kaidan's apartment for any life-signs. Or just stay home and try to sleep without nightmares.

Footsteps outside in the hallway interrupted his planning. Instantly, John felt his heart beating faster, because he knew who it was outside his door. Without much thinking, John downed his drink and grabbed his jacket. He was almost upon knocking before another idea crossed his mind.

When he was back at Kaidan's door 30 minutes later, he wondered what had made him buy the man dinner. He was supposed to be mad at Kaidan for not saying anything, but instead he ran down to their favourite café and brought two bottles of strong red-wine and steak-sandwiches for two biotics.

Hell, what was wrong with him? He didn't even know if it really was Kaidan he'd heard.

With the excuse of bringing him food, John didn't knock but simply walked in. Kaidan had granted him full access during his first night here, where the colonel had been too drunk to get home on his own. Since then, they had become very good friends. John never shared such a friendship with anybody before, at least not as he remembered, but he liked Kaidan in a way he couldn't describe.

Once inside the room, John's heart stopped beating. In front of him stood a very surprised looking Kaidan with only a towel around his hips. His skin was still wet and shimmered in the light of the setting sun while his chest moved heavily from the man's gasps.

Art by [Rhapsody4u](http://rhapsody4u.deviantart.com/)

“Shepard, hey!” Kaidan blinked, utterly bewildered.

“You're hurt!” was the first thing John could say.

Upon Kaidan's muscular body, John saw countless bruises. The anger he'd felt about Kaidan's absence vaporized in the air and its placed was filled by worry almost instantly. While he sat at home, eating good food, fucking beautiful girls and cursing about the soldier, Kaidan was probably out there getting shot at, hunting down bad guys and making his world safer.

Before John realized it, he was standing right before Kaidan and his fingers traced the big purple bruises on his chest. It was hard to tell where one mark began and where the other ended. He'd never seen Kaidan shirtless before and the amount of scars made his gut twist.

“Shepard, are you okay?” Kaidan asked with concern. “You look pale.”

“What happened?” John finally asked when he found his voice again. “You're injured!”

“This?” Kaidan chuckled and shrugged. “They're just bruises. No big deal. They'll be gone by tomorrow.”

“What were you thinking?” John snapped, now feeling angry again. “You can't just disappear like this!”

“I'm sorry, Shepard.” Kaidan said, sincere, and then continued to dry his hair with another towel.

“What? That's all you have to say? After four weeks you just show up like this and all you have to say is 'I'm sorry?'”

“Sorry, Shepard, things were...complicated.” Kaidan explained hesitantly, still avoiding Shepard's stare. “I can't tell you any details....”

“Yeah, I get it! It's classified!” John sneered. “At least, you could have answered my mails!”

“As I said, things were complicated.” Kaidan said again and took a step back which gave John a great view of his whole body. “Let me get dressed, okay? Unless you prefer me this way.”

John raised an eye-brow. “Are you flirting with me, Colonel?”

Kaidan looked suddenly very embarrassed and blushed a deep red. “No, I...I wasn't.... Just... let me get some pants first.”

John watched Kaidan turn around and found himself staring at more bruises in the form of Kaidan's armour. It looked like as if the colonel had been slammed against something hard very recently, and again John wondered what he did out there. Then, his eyes fell upon Kaidan's backside, which was even more impressive without the Alliance Standards.

Catching himself staring at another man's ass, John shivered. He must be really desperate for a lay if he'd even consider Kaidan's ass. He shook his head quickly and made his way to the food he'd left on the table. Maybe he'd better go now before he jumped Kaidan and ruined the only friendship he had on the Citadel. But leaving Kaidan now was a lot easier said than done.

When Kaidan came back from his bedroom, John had set up the food with the wine. Kaidan beamed at the steak-sandwich and took the seat next to John on the couch.

“You know, this might be my best welcome back.” he said, chewing happily on his steak-sandwich.

“What, no girlfriend welcoming you with food and sex?” John joked. But instantly, he knew he brought up the wrong subject. There was a tiny flash in Kaidan's eyes and the smile he gave John afterwards wasn't a real one.

“I'm sorry.” John said quickly.

“It's okay. You didn't know.”

“So, what was so important that you couldn't even answer my mails? I sent you about 10!”

“12,” Kaidan corrected. “Shepard, I told you, it's classified.”

“Don't give me that garbage!”

“Look, if you don't want me to tell you that things are classified, you better cooperate with the doctors instead of defying them.” He said, sounding serious. “The sooner you recover, the sooner you'll be the one telling other people that things are classified.”

“What? Are you spying on me?”

“Hardly,” Kaidan chuckled. “But I get reports on you. And as the only human spectre, I'm kind of the supervisor of this operation.”

“How lucky I am that my supervisor wasn't around for the last four weeks.” John grunted, still not happy with the situation. He hated it when somebody kept a secret from him. Though he understood the seriousness of a classified mission, he still wished Kaidan could be honest with him.

“There you go again.” Kaidan sighed. “Shepard, please try to understand. This is my job.”

“I thought your job is to ensure my safety,” he said casually and sipped his tasty and strong wine.

“It _is_!” Kaidan confirmed.

“HA! I knew it!” John triumphed, punching his fist in the air. “So your mission had something to do with me!”

“I didn't say that.” Kaidan seemed to finally realize, that John had him cornered. “Oh, you're messing with me! What's wrong with you today?”

“That you got hurt because of me,” John said and took a deep breath. “And I kind of missed you.”

“I missed you, too!” Kaidan replied with a sparkle in his eyes. Then his eyes widened for a moment in realization what he'd just said and turned away with a deep blush. “No, I mean, I was thinking of y... no, it's just... god! How do I put this right! I....”

John burst into laughter at Kaidan's attempt to search for the correct words. Somehow this human spectre, who was confidant on the battlefield and capable at his work, always failed when it came to expressing his feeling to another male. John shook his head at the homophobic mannerisms of his good friend and wondered how in Hell's name this man survived with such old fashioned convictions.

“I get it. You hadn't forgotten me, either.”

“Yeah, that's what I wanted to say.” Kaidan choked down his bite and avoided John's gaze by taking another gulp of his wine. “So, enough of me. How are you holding up? How are the nightmares?”

“It's creepy how you just show up after a month and still know everything about me.” John tossed him a concerned look and wondered if there were any surveillance systems in his apartment.

“I get reports, remember?”

“So you got the reports on me but couldn't answer my mails.”

“Oh, stop pouting, Shepard.” Kaidan snapped teasingly. “I got the reports this morning when I arrived. Walked through them on my way back.”

“This morning? And you didn't call me?”

Kaidan rolled his eyes. “Debriefings and reports to the Council.” Kaidan sighed again and then lifted his caramel eyes to look at John directly. “I'm worried about you.”

John smiled at these words. It was good to know that Kaidan still cared about him and hadn’t just dumped him for some adventure. It was so contradictions too, how Kaidan could blush scarlet when he tried to tell John that he missed him and then turn into someone who can express deep care simply by looking at one.

“It's good to hear.” John nodded, swallowing the last bite of his sandwich. “Well, these new medications, they're causing these nightmares, I think.”

“You didn't tell that to the doctors.” Again, Kaidan sounded worried. Sometimes it was hard for John to tell if Kaidan worried about him because he was Kaidan's assignment, or because Kaidan, too, considered him a friend. John mentally shook his head. That was a stupid thought. Kaidan was the one who had insisted on their rebound and John had found himself in a state unable to resist.

“It's just a guess,” He said, filling Kaidan's and his glass with wine again. “If I tell the doctors, they'll just run more tests. Before you ask, I didn't stop taking them. I want to give them another try.”

“These nightmares, are they bad?”

John sighed. “I don't know. They aren't all pleasant if that's what you're asking.” Now there he was. Sitting on the couch of his best friend, drinking wine and talking about his nightmares. And that all on a deep space station far away from Earth. If someone had told him half a year ago that this was going to happen, John might have laughed. But now, he didn't even remember how his life on Earth had been.

“You mentioned Garrus,” Kaidan said, now also finishing his meal. “Tell me about it.”

John didn't even ask how Kaidan knew it.

“You're not my therapist,” John said, unsure if he was comfortable with the idea of Kaidan knowing everything about him.

“But I'm your friend,” Kaidan said, smiling at him. “Don't worry; what you're telling me here is confidential. It won't appear in any reports.”

“What do you know already?” John asked instead.

“Not much. Only that you dreamed of him.”

“You knew him, right? You mentioned him once.”

“Yeah, I knew Garrus.” Kaidan smiled. “So what was it?”

“Not much, just some blurred visions. And when I woke up, I just knew it.” John closed his eyes and recalled the images he saw during the nights. “But I remember him being my friend. Something about Archangel and collectors. It all includes a lot of drinking and shooting. ”

“Sounds like Garrus.” Kaidan laughed. “What? No calibrations?”

“Yeah, that too.” John chuckled.

“Okay, something else?”

“Well, I don't know if they're memories,” John admitted. “If they are, I'll be damned. They're all so surreal, like me taking on a reaper all by myself. Or something about a huge space-station I blew up. And there is this girl, a quarian. I don't know her name, but I'm pretty sure I was close to her. All crazy, right?”

Kaidan swallowed and that was the sign John needed. Every time when Kaidan did that, John knew it was because Kaidan was trying to suppress any reaction to his tale, which indicated that it was a memory.

“You knew her, didn't you?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan nodded, bidding on his lower lip. “What else?”

“Look, if this makes you uncomfortable, I can...”

“I'm good, just go on.”

“Well, I dream a lot about Liara. And I miss her. She's been with me for a long time, I believe. And I remember quite a lot about her. I remember her being the Shadow Broker and Prothean Expert. I remember kissing her, holding her while she cried, though I still don't know why. And there is another woman. Dark hair, beautiful face, white bodysuit. And....”

“Ah....” Kaidan nodded. “Do you remember her name?”

“No, but I did some research.”

“What do you mean?”

“I thought if I'm famous, the extranet must be full of stories about me.”

“You're kidding!” Kaidan gasped. “You searched for yourself on the extranet?”

“A little,” John admitted. “It was after those dreams about Miranda. I was frustrated and what I found out confirmed my suspicious. I don't believe much what's on the extranet, but I'm pretty sure that she used to be my girlfriend. There're a lot of images of me and her here on the Citadel.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Kaidan suddenly looked hurt. He turned his face away and gazed at something beyond the window.

“Hey, you're okay?”

“Yeah, just remembering something.” Kaidan swallowed. “What's on your mind?”

“You know, I wonder what kind of guy I was.” John leaned back and drank his third glass of wine. “I thought I would see war in my dreams, see battle, see death. But all I dream about are the people involved. The squad-mates, the pilot, the women. I sometimes wonder why I fought the war. All people keep telling me what a selfless, paragon hero I was. How I sacrificed and fought, but from all I remember, it seems as if I only cared about the people around me.”

John sighed. He didn't want to say he survived because of an unfulfilled promise to a lover. The world seemed to need its hero and it seemed to have found it in him. John always hated to disappoint, so he played along. But it seemed wrong to him. He wasn't the man they said he was. At least not anymore.

The doctors, the specialists, even the dignitaries treated him like a god, but inside, all John wanted was the major he kissed goodbye in the rubble. He didn't want to be the hero. He had to admit, all he wanted was a quiet life with the woman he loved. And hell, he didn't even know how she looked like or what her name was. He didn't even know, if she was alive or not. He didn't know if she made out of the battle or after three years, if she still loved him.

A sigh from Kaidan brought him out of his sentimentality.

“Without the affection of the people around us,” the colonel whispered with a very sad and husky voice. “All we have in life is death. And that's not enough.”

“Yeah,” John breathed. “Where did you get that? It's written on a ration bar?”

Kaidan chuckled. “A good friend told me that.” He emptied his glass and poured another one.

In his face, John saw an expression which indicated pain. Suddenly, he realized he had never asked Kaidan why he was alone. Why he never had a visitor or a girlfriend, surely not a boyfriend considering Kaidan's homophobic behaviour.

“Tell me about this friend,” he said, trying hard to hide his curiosity.

For a while, Kaidan remained silent. Then he took a deep breath and when he looked back, John could see the glimpse of tears in his eyes.

“He was the best friend a man could wish for.” Kaidan said with very low voice and looked down at the half-full glass in his hand. “He'd always been there for me, helped me, kept me safe. We shared our deepest secrets and the deepest pain. We made through so much together...”

“Was?”

“The war separated us...” Kaidan looked away and John was sure he was hiding his tears. “But I'll keep him in my memory as he was. Strong and confidant. Admirable and respectable. I enjoyed every minute I spent with him... and... oh, he was the man of my dreams! My brother in arms...”

John didn't miss the rather awkward description of Kaidan's friend. He could think of thousands of jokes right now, but he kept his mouth shut and his face straight.

“The man of your dreams?” he asked carefully.

“Hell, yes!” Kaidan gasped. “He was so damn perfect! So... he was all how I wanted to be. He was _my_ _hero_ , my....”

“I'm sorry,” John whispered. He didn't know why, but hearing Kaidan talk about somebody else like this stung and he wished that he was the one Kaidan admired. “What happened?”

“The Reapers,” Kaidan said with a deep growl. For a tiny moment, John saw something truly ugly flickering in Kaidan's eyes and pitied all the creatures who had earned this man's wrath. “We were both on there when it all started. And we were there in the last battle... We fought at each other's sides. Watched each other's backs. And... I loved him!” Kaidan whispered with voice forced even. “And he gave his life to save mine....”

“I'm so sorry,” John said again. But if it was the last battle of the Reaper War then it must have been at least three years ago. John could only imagine how much Kaidan had loved his friend to mourn him even after so much time. But what kind of love was it? It couldn't have been a romance, could it?

“I wish I died with him!” Kaidan growled, finally letting go of his feelings. When he spoke again, his voice was trembling and tears were rolling down his handsome face. With lips slightly parted and swollen, Kaidan looked so vulnerable it made John's heart twist.

“I should have died with him!” Kaidan said again, closing his eyes in pain. “He taught me so much! How to escape death! Without him, I would have died on Virmire! On Ilos! On Horizon! On Mars! He saved me, again and again. But when it mattered, I abandoned him! I....”

“No, Kaidan!” John said sharply. “You can't think like this!”

“Why not?” The spectre snapped back, looking at John with eyes red from tears. “He could have sent me! I was there! With him! But instead, he just told me to go! I should have died in London....”

“But you didn't!” John moved closer and cradled Kaidan's face in his hands. “He sacrificed himself so you can live. He loved you, too! You can't change the past, but you can honour his sacrifice by having a life, now!”

“Shepard...” Kaidan whispered, sobbing.

When Kaidan leaned in close, John didn't move back. For nearly an hour, he just sat there padding Kaidan's back, while his friend cried his heart out on his shoulder. Occasionally, Kaidan would call his name but mostly, he just cried.

While he held Kaidan in his arms, John though about what Kaidan said. Without the affection, all they had was death. Is that, what Kaidan was going through? The loss of a beloved person? Or was it survivor's guilt? Either way, John was hurting for Kaidan. He wished, he would be that friend of Kaidan's right now, so he could comfort him.

But instead, he was thinking of the major again.

He hoped that she too hadn't forgotten him. Though he wished that she had moved on, deep inside his heart, he hoped that she mourned for him like Kaidan did right now.

“Commander...” Kaidan whispered, head resting on his shoulder. “Thank you, for everything.”

Suddenly, the air got hotter in here and John realized how beautiful Kaidan's eyes were. He enjoyed the feeling of Kaidan's pounding heart against his chest and the familiar sensation of someone in his arms. Maybe he had held Kaidan before when the soldier needed him, but this was not the past.

With heart racing and blood rushing in his ears, John's vision blurred. His perception narrowed down to Kaidan's face in front of him and the warmth of Kaidan's lips on his was the only thing he could feel right now.

For a moment, he lost his ability to move, to breathe. The only thing in his mind was that he shouldn't be doing this. The major was out there. She was waiting for him. She was probably mourning him and his heart should only beat for her.

But when Kaidan's tongue touched his lips, forcing them to part, John's mind suspended itself. He gently opened his mouth and allowed Kaidan to enter. Hesitantly and carefully, John moved closer and returned the comforting pressure. His hands began to explore Kaidan's well-trained body and with a sigh, John stopped to curse his luck.

When he closed his eyes, he was back in the broken city again. Only this time, there was no major he could kiss goodbye. Instead of the woman of his dreams, Kaidan stood there, gazing at him with longing in his eyes.

He stretched out his gauntlet-hand and the grip on John's arm was firm. He pressed his armoured body against John's while his strong arms closed around John's chest, promising the haven he needed.

For hours it seemed to John they kissed each other, never slowing down, never giving up. While John scratched his teeth across Kaidan's neck, the other man managed a moan which sounded like a song of an angle. And when Kaidan's lips caressed the skin on his neck, John's heart cried because he realized, this was only a dream.

When he opened his eyes, he was lying alone in his bed. With the taste of the kiss still on his lips, John remembered leaving Kaidan's apartment after the colonel said thank you. For a moment, he only stared at the empty ceiling in the room which supposed to be his home. Outside the window, a new day had begun; but inside, he wished the night wasn't over yet.

During the day, there was no major to love him, no Kaidan to comfort him, no friend to offer him a shoulder. During day, his only companion was the solitude inside his heart. During day, he was nothing but the shadow of a hero.


	8. Playing with fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan blushes and John get horny.

Kaidan watched the blank page on his data-pad and tried to choose the words correctly. After what happened the night before, it really wasn't easy to find the right way to express himself.

Kaidan could blame the wine for why he'd lost control and sobbed like a small child in Shepard arms. That he'd lied to Shepard and abused their friendship by using him as a pillow. And the worst, when his tears dried, he just threw Shepard out.

Maybe an e-mail wasn't the right way to apologize, but the three meters between their doors seemed impossible to cross right now. Kaidan even didn't dare to leave his apartment in fear he might bump into Shepard in the hallway.

What was he thinking by making up the story about his dead friend while the man he was talking about was right there? How could he....

The beeping sound from his com-booth interrupted him and Kaidan was grateful that he didn't have the chance to finish his thought. Adjusting his clothes quickly, Kaidan walked to the com and activated it.

“Liara!” He said, surprised to see her via com.

“Kaidan, thank the Goddess you're fine,” she said; there was something in her voice which gave away her mood.

“You were worried about me?” Kaidan asked.

“Yes, I heard you were injured.” She said and even as a holo she looked beautiful. Kaidan watched her talk and his eyes wandered to her lips. Beautiful lips, lips Shepard had kissed.

“Nothing serious,” Kaidan said, forcing himself to focus on the current situation. “Two broken ribs. But they're nearly healed. Only a couple of bruises left. Is this all you want to talk about? I have the feeling there's more coming.”

“Is this connection secure?”

“Of course.”

“Good.” Liara nodded and made some adjustments on her side of the connection. “I have agents among the Quarians. I might help you.”

“I'd appreciate that.” Kaidan nodded. “I took out their base, but we didn't get their leader. They evacuated her before we arrived.”

“Yes, Kal'narra is hard to track.” Liara said while her blue lips moved in a very distracting way. “Even I lose sight of her sometimes.”

“So what do you got for me?”

“According to my information, her goals are personal.”

“Their whole operation is personal. They blame Shepard for what the Geth did to them. They seek revenge as I predicted.”

“Not Shepard,” Liara corrected. “For the Quarians and the rest of the world; Shepard is dead.”

“What are you suggesting?” Kaidan frowned.

“Kaidan, they are looking for you.”

“Me? Why me?”

“Because you were there on Rannoch.”

“So were you.”

“But you are the Council Spectre and the Alliance Officer.” She pointed out and lowered her gaze. “They made you their target; my agents confirmed this. Kal'narra swore vengeance and if she can't get Shepard, she will kill you.”

“Liara, you always have a way to make me feel good.” Kaidan sighed. “I'll keep an eye open.”

“Better both of your eyes.” Liara said.

“No, it's just a human saying.” Kaidan chuckled.

“Oh,” Liara lowered her head and smiled. “I'm uploading the dossier. You'll find all you need in there.”

“Thanks, this might really help.”

“But this isn't the only reason why I wanted to talk to you,” She said and caught Kaidan's attention. “Is everything okay between you and Shepard?”

Kaidan managed a deep sigh. “No, not really.” He closed his eyes for a moment and fought back his hurt feelings. “Shepard's recovering, but.... Never mind.”

“Kaidan...”

“I have a question.” Kaidan frowned. He really needed to know. “Did you have something with Shepard behind my back?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Just answer my question.”

“No,” Liara said. “Kaidan, we've been friends for a long time. I'm hurt that you even think of me this way.”

“I'm sorry, Liara. It's just, what he said last night...”

“What did he say?” Liara's tone was still gentle. She'd never loosened up with Kaidan the way she did with Shepard and Kaidan suddenly had to think about the fact, that he might not even notice when she lied to him.

 “He said, he remembers holding you.” Kaidan heard the words coming from his throat but it didn't sound like his voice. He didn't want to remember Shepard's words, but they kept coming back again and again. “And kissing you.”

“That's all in the past.” If Kaidan didn't know it better, he would say Liara sounded embarrassed. “But it ended when...”

“Nothing more?”

“He came to my quarter and comforted me after Thessia.” She continued. “I assure you, there was nothing you should be worried about. You are a friend, Kaidan. I'd never do such things to you.”

“Thanks, Liara.” He nodded, feeling relieved. “It really makes me feel better. And I mean it this time.”

“You look hurt.”

“Yeah, I am.” Kaidan sighed again. “I know, Shepard's quite the womaniser, but he...” he closed his eyes, trying to banish the images of Shepard with Tali and Shepard with Miranda from his mind. “I just feel so... cheated.”

“You're being jealous of his ex-girlfriends.”

“Maybe. Anyway, it's good to hear from you again.” Kaidan said, trying to finish this call. He really wasn't in the state to handle this right now. “Drop by for a visit the next time you're here, okay? He misses you. And I could use the sight of an old friend again.”

“I look forward to it,” She said, understanding Kaidan's attempt. “Kaidan, if there's anything I can do for you, just call me. Business and personal.”

“All right, I'll do it.”

For the rest of his free day, Kaidan tried to distract himself by writing reports and walking through Kal'narra's dossier. It turned out; she was one of the few survivors of the Migrant Fleet when her ship crash-landed on Rannoch. It must have taken her years to get off-planet and build up such an organization.

An organization with one single goal. To kill him. That was really not a pleasant thought. But with the Quarians breathing down his neck, Kaidan got the distraction he needed.

In the following days, he made sure that this information reached C-Sec and the Spectre Office. He wouldn't say he enjoyed all the attention, but he certainly didn't want to be killed by a quarian assassin.

Also, what Shepard had said during their dinner was still bothering him. Of course he knew about Liara and Shepard. But Tali and Miranda? He always had his suspicions, but with his infatuation for Shepard at that time and the war to worry about, Kaidan never asked.

Now, he wished he'd been clearer about it. Even if Shepard cheated on him or fooled him, Kaidan wished as least he could be certain. But now, with Tali dead and Miranda somewhere on the run, he might never learn the truth.

Also, he was deeply hurt to learn, that Shepard even started to remember EDI but not him. No matter how hard he tried, Shepard just couldn't link with his past. They never talked about the night again and Kaidan didn't apologize because he didn't want to bring up the subject.

Though their friendship was constant and now even pretty close, Kaidan couldn't lose the feeling that Shepard still didn't trust him completely. He also had the feeling, the man was avoiding him.

“So, why exactly did you come to the Citadel in the first place?” Kaidan asked one night a couple of weeks later, when he finally managed to get some down time after another failed attempt of catching Kal'narra. “It can't be, just because you wanted a better life.”

“Why not?” Shepard shrugged.

“You could have gone to one of the major cities or a colony. No need to travel across half of the galaxy,” Kaidan said casually, sitting half buried in Shepard's couch. They had dinner together like they always did when Kaidan got his evening free. Again, Shepard managed wine and Kaidan swore he'd be careful with it tonight.

“Okay,” Shepard sat up in his couch with an evil smirk on his face. “Let's play a game, Colonel. You ask me a question and I ask you one. Answer truthfully or drink a whole glass.”

“What, you want to fill me up?”

“Why? Are you planning to lie?”

“Shepard...” Kaidan laughed. “Wait, I can ask any question and you'll answer truthfully?”

“Or I'll drink.”

“How do I know you're not lying?” Kaidan narrowed his eyes.

“That's the trick.” Shepard laughed. “But remember, same to you.”

“I don't know...” Kaidan hesitated.

“Afraid of what I might find out?”

“You wish!” Kaidan drank a gulp of wine and sat up in the couch too, now facing Shepard. “Let's do it!”

“Okay, I start.” Shepard said and filled Kaidan's glass to the brim. “What's your favourite colour?”

“Blue.”

“Your turn.”

Kaidan hesitated. There weren't many things he didn't know about Shepard. Caught in his current situation, he didn't even know what to ask. He swallowed and decided to go with an easy one.

“Your favourite Ship?”

“SSV Normandy SR-2.” Shepard said and smirked at Kaidan.

“What, you didn't like the SR-1?”

“I never said that. But I prefer the SR-2. Ever seen the captain's cabin? It's great.”

Kaidan swallowed and fought back his replies. Shepard might have gotten a heart-attack, if he knew what Kaidan had done in his cabin. “Alright, Commander, your turn.”

“You favourite weapon?”

“M-15 Vindicator.”

“Drink!”

“What? That wasn't a lie!”

“No?”

“Okay, okay, it's my biotics.” Kaidan surrendered and gazed at his full glass.

“No taking back, Spectre Alenko. Drink!”

Kaidan smiled at the stubborn Shepard and sighed. Closing his eyes, Kaidan lifted his glass to his lips and chugged his drink. When he finished, he had he need to vomit but suppressed the feeling. It would be way to embarrassing.

“Impressive.” Shepard smirked and Kaidan glared.

“You're enjoying yourself?”

“Of course! If you could see yourself right now!” Shepard again filled Kaidan's glass and his grin widened. “Careful, one more lie and I might have to carry you to bed.”

“Okay, Cowboy, playtime's over. Let's get down to business!” Kaidan was determined to win this stupid game. “Why did you come to the Citadel?”

“I wanted a better life.” Shepard said and before Kaidan could call 'drink', the younger man lifted his glass and drank it to the last drop. When he finished his drink, Shepard let out a moan which made Kaidan's stomach twitch.

“Why do you like me?” Shepard asked and lowered his head, smirking.

“Excuse me?”

“That's my next question. Why do you like me?”

Kaidan felt his face burn and searched his head for a reason. After finding his brain awkwardly blank, Kaidan said the first thing that crossed his mind.

“You are John Shepard,” he whispered and didn't even know, if it was an answer.

“Okay.” For a moment, Shepard looked confused. “I didn't expect that, but... no, that doesn't count! Drink!”

“Oh, come on!”

“No deal! Drink!”

“Oh God!”

“He can't help you right now!”

“It's a waste of good wine.”

“No excuses, Alenko!”

Kaidan drank the other glass and cursed this game. “Okay, why did you come to the Citadel?”

“I was looking for someone.” Shepard said and his glass stayed where it was.

Kadian blinked. Of all reasons, he seriously didn't expect that one. “Who?” he gasped.

“Uhn...uhn... only one question at a time. My turn. What is your strongest feeling for me?”

“What?”

“That's a simple question.”

“That's not fair!” Kaidan said and his face burned even hotter.

“What? You're the one who's stupid enough to use such an opportunity for work. I'm doing it right. Now, answer my question.”

Kaidan stammered something obscure, feeling the words stuck in his throat. What was his strongest feeling? Friendship? Protectiveness? Love? Unable to answer, Kaidan emptied his glass for the third time. By now, he could feel the effect of the wine blurring his mind and Kaidan had great difficulty not to think about how sexy Shepard looked right now.

“Who are you looking for?” Kaidan managed to say without stammering.

“Someone I dreamed about.” Shepard said.

“That's not an answer!”

“It's true!”

“Drink!” Kaidan demanded. If Shepard could torture him like that, he could do it too. With heart still pounding hard, Kaidan watched Shepard drink his wine. The tiny movement of Shepard's throat while he swallowed was fascinating and Kaidan bit his own lip to prevent himself from biting Shepard's neck.

“So,” Shepard smirked and filled their glasses. “What is your strongest feeling for me?”

“You can't just repeat the question!” Kaidan complained and had the suspicion that he was going to lose this game in a very pathetic way.

“Why not? You did.” Shepard shrugged and leaned closer.  When he whispered again, Kaidan could almost feel the breath on his skin. “So, Spectre Alenko, what _is_ your strongest feeling for me?”

“Right now, I want to punch you in the face!” Kaidan giggled, feeling his head turning heavier.

“Mhmm....” Shepard moaned and closed his eyes for a moment. “Imagine, I even believe you.”

“I would have convinced you.” Kaidan replied. “Who are you looking for?”

“You're still abusing this game for business issues.” Shepard made a face of playful disapproval.

“What if this really bothers me?”

“I don't think so.” Shepard moved closer and whispered again. It's just him or was Shepard flirting with him?

“So, Kaidan,” the way Shepard said his name made him shiver. “Is there really nothing you want to know about me? I'm giving you a chance to change the question.”

Kaidan made a sound which was half an aroused moan and half an amused chuckled, maybe even mixed with a little begging. “I don't know... I don't think I understand the purpose of this game.”

“Liar.” Shepard said slowly and seductively. “I show you, how it's done. So, Spectre Alenko, what was your most unforgettable sex?”

“I'm not telling you.” Kaidan said,  grinning again.

“Then drink.”

“Oh shit!” Kaidan cursed, realizing the trap Shepard set up. He should have known that Shepard was up to something. He sighed. “Okay, it was years ago. We did it in the bathroom of Purgatory.”

“Oh God! Please tell me which cabin it was, I'll never go in there again!”

“You asked.” Kaidan whispered, feeling like a teenager. “So, why do you like me?”

“Mhm... let me think.” Shepard closed his eyes for a while and when he opened them again, Kaidan was sure that Shepard was flirting with him. “You're cute when you blush, like now. And you have the most impressive ass I've ever seen.”

Kaidan could do nothing but stare in surprise, knowing that his face was on fire. Shepard burst into laughter and then drank his whole glass without a pause. A deep red drop of wine slipped past Shepard's lip and slowly rolled down from the corner of his mouth. If almost looked like blood and the way how the wine-drop found his path through Shepard's chin made Kaidan want to lick it away. Again, he had to mentally kick himself to remain control and wished they could just stop doing this before he went mad.

When Shepard put down his glass, he suddenly looked serious.

“I never had a friend like you, Kaidan,” he said sincerely. “I value your honesty, your strength. And Kaidan, you care for me not just because I'm your assignment and that's more than I deserve. I wish I could remember you, but maybe this is my second chance. I might have hurt you in the past or messed things up, but I want to do it right this time. You mean a lot to me. As a friend, a brother and as a man.”

Kaidan hadn't even realized that he was shivering when John came closer and grabbed his neck. The simple touch of Shepard's skin was enough to make him moan and Kaidan's mind was limited to the words he just heard.

This was all so confusing. Last time they had a dinner together, Shepard managed to make his heart bleed. But tonight, Kaidan found himself in the most erotic moment of his entire life.

“My turn,” Shepard whispered and pulled. “What must I do to make you kiss me right now?”

Kaidan moaned and closed his eyes. “You need to ask.”

But before he opened his eyes to adjust to the moment; Shepard's tongue was in his throat already. For a second, Kaidan froze; then the iceberg started to melt under the fire Shepard inflamed in him.

Still trying to find a reason to stop, Kaidan pushed forward, pressing his lips hard against Shepard’s. His hand found Shepard's chest and the heat beneath his clothes chased all his fear away. He didn't know why this felt wrong, only that this wasn't the same tenderness he shared with Shepard years ago.

Still, Shepard was advancing. He pushed Kaidan back down on the couch and almost instinctively, Kaidan moved his legs apart to make room for Shepard's body.

“We shouldn't do this...” he gasped and moaned as Shepard's teeth scratched his neck.

One firm grip on his hip made him gasp again. Shepard's weight on his body was real, and soon Kaidan found his pants very uncomfortably tight. “Shepard... please... stop!” He begged half-heartedly, praying Shepard wouldn't listen to him.

“Kaidan...” the man gasped and bent down to explore his neck again. “I need this...”

“Ah, this feels... so good....” Kaidan moaned. He'd almost forgotten how good it was to be close to somebody. In the past three years, he barely had the chance to do this and certainly not with any male. But this man on top of him was John Shepard. The man he loved with all this heart. The man he swore to love forever.

“Take me,” he whispered, putting all his longing and love into his voice. If this really was happening, Kaidan was ready to believe that everything was alright.

Shepard groaned at Kaidan's demand and quickly removed his shirt. Only minutes later, Kaidan found himself face to face with a naked and very aroused Shepard. The plain sight of his lover was almost too much for his blurred mind. He didn't care right now what orders he was given or what the doctors warned him not to do.

He only wanted Shepard to fuck him.

Without much prelude, Kaidan turned around, raising his backside to welcome Shepard's manhood. The whole evening had been a prelude and if Shepard wouldn't start right now, Kaidan was going to force Shepard with his biotics.

The gesture he made couldn't be more clear. Shepard grabbed his hips and groaned again. With nothing more than saliva to ease the entrance, the younger man pushed in so hard it made Kaidan scream. But the lust spreading inside his whole body made Kaidan welcome the pain. He always liked it to be rough and Shepard was the God of rough sex.

“Oh, Kaidan...” the once-commander moaned. “Your ass is amazing!”

Kaidan was too busy with moaning and gasping for air to make any response. He moved his hips the way Shepard liked it and thrust himself onto Shepard's rock-hard cock, gasping for more. Never before had anybody been so deep inside him and considering his preferences for women normally, there wouldn't be any other man who'd ever enter him.

“Fuck... Kaidan!” Shepard's thrust became harder and faster. He grabbed Kaidan with force and with his free hand; he managed to push Kaidan's upper body against the couch. “Fuck! Tell me how you like it!”

“Harder!” Kaidan commanded. He enjoyed how Shepard scathed his fingernails on his back. How Shepard pounded him and even how Shepard slapped his ass. “Yes! Harder!”

For a time, aroused moans and groans were the only sound in room. Kaidan felt soon how his throat went dry and his head started to spin. He used the couch for leverage and fucked himself on Shepard's cock. He didn't touch himself and didn't allow Shepard's hands to come close to his own part. If one of them so much as touched it right now, he might spoil the fun by coming too soon.

“Shepard...” He moaned again, voice muffled by the couch. “Fuck me! Fuck me against your fish tank!”

How Shepard managed to turn him around without losing the contact, Kaidan couldn't say. But when John Shepard's lips touched his again, he didn't care how he did it; only that he was doing it. The tongue inside his mouth felt as hot as the staff inside his body. Shepard was so close, Kaidan could cry of happiness right now.

Then Shepard lifted him off the couch and without separating them, he moved towards his blue glowing fish-tank, still thrusting. Kaidan felt how Shepard slammed him against the cold glass hard, using the impact to thrust in deeper. He always loved it when Shepard did this. How the commander groaned and made Kaidan's head bump against the glass. How Shepard looked at him while he pushed in again and again with the glowing of the blue aquarium reflected in his eyes.

While Kaidan drifted slowly into the realm of frenzy, his only hold was Shepard's shoulder. The only sound in his ears was Shepard's moans and the only feeling in his body was the lust Shepard caused. With eyes half open and vision slightly blurred, he saw Shepard's eyes glowing with pleasure.

Shepard gave him a crooked grin then wrapped his strong fingers in the chain of Kaidan's dog-tag and pulled. Kaidan resisted the demand and felt how Shepard was slowly cutting off his air support. He caught Shepard's face roughly and pressed his lips against Shepard's cheekbones. He opened his mouth and his tongue traced the small scars on the man's skin.

When his teeth found Shepard's shoulder, he bit in hard until he tasted blood. Shepard replied with another deep groan and even harder thrust into Kaidan which made his inside turn.

“The bed, now!” Kaidan gasped and pushed away from the fish-tank.

When they both landed in Shepard's bed, Kaidan moved fast to take advantage. He pinned down the first human Spectre and sat down on his upright erection. The faster Kaidan moved his hips the faster Shepard gasped. The other man threw his head back into his pillow and his grip on Kaidan's hips tightened.

“No! Not yet!” Kaidan moaned. He supported his weight on Shepard's sweaty chest and bounced on Shepard's cock. “Not until I tell you!”

“What?”

“Do you hear me!? Cum when I tell you to!” Kaidan commanded and enjoyed the expression on Shepard's face. It was always a rare sight to see the commander blush, but in the bedroom Kaidan always held this power.

Taking Kaidan's orders not so well, Shepard growled in offence. He wrapped his arms around Kaidan's waist and with a quick move, Kaidan found himself pinned down by the man he loved. He moaned and screamed as he felt Shepard releasing his anger with forceful thrusts and soon he felt his own climax closing in.

“Shepard!” He gasped, suppressing his incoming feelings. “Shepard! Yes!”

“Shut up!” Shepard snapped, pressing one hand over Kaidan's mouth. “Shut up or I'll fuck you senseless!”

“Do it, you son of a bitch!” Kaidan hissed between Shepard's fingers. He again licked the hand he loved and with his eyes, he screwed Shepard on a very different level.

Shepard's only response was an angry snort and his attempt to erase Kaidan's mind with his pounding. For nearly an hour, Shepard took him without mercy and Kaidan made no effort to stop him. He enjoyed every single minute Shepard was in him and expressed his pleasure with even more moans. He couldn't control himself, couldn't stop himself. The lust burning inside him ripped down every wall of composure he had ever built and behind it, Kaidan unleashed the beast he tried to hide.

“Ah, Kaidan!” Still pressing in with all his strength, Shepard closed his eyes and Kaidan knew he was close. “Kaidan, please!”

“No!” He wanted more. More than just plain sex. He wanted to hear what Shepard used to whisper into his ears while his whole body trembled with lust. He wanted to taste Shepard's lips, while the man he loved pushed into him. He wanted Shepard to love him as he once did.

“Kaidan, ah... I'm...” Shepard bent down to kiss him hard. His tongue explored the inside of Kaidan's mouth and his heart throbbed so strong, Kaidan could feel it through their ribcage. “Kaidan, I...I love you! Cum with me, please!”

“Shepard...cum in me….”

With that, they both gasped strongly and released their loads. When Kaidan finally regained his ability to breathe normally, Shepard appeared in his view, smiling and bending down for a kiss. Their lips met again and Kaidan felt cold, sweet water dripping into his mouth. It was so incredibly cute, Kaidan found himself grinning, hiding his blushed face in Shepard's pillow.

“Kaidan...” Shepard whispered after lying down next to him, holding him in his arms. “I...”

“Shh....” he whispered. “Say nothing. Just let me live in this illusion.”

Tired and satisfied, Kaidan closed his eyes. He listened to Shepard's heartbeat and kissed his skin, hoping that this wasn't just a dream.


	9. Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John discovers his favorite color.

_John awoke with a very pleasant feeling around his...._

_Looking down, John found himself facing a gently smiling and slightly blushed Kaidan._

_“Hey, there,” he whispered, feeling Kaidan's face against his tights. “What are you doing down there?”_

_“Sorry, I thought this might be a better way to wake you.” Kaidan chuckled. Giving his manhood another kiss, he crawled back into John's arms and the warmth of Kaidan's skin was exactly what John needed right now._

_“You're so cute, Kaidan,” he said, pressing his lips against Kaidan's forehead. “I still can't believe my luck.”_

_“Yeah, me neither.” Kaidan's blushed face became even hotter._

_John still hadn't figured out yet why Kaidan blushed when they talked about a hot night but had the determination to wake him with a blow-job. Something must be seriously wrong with this guy's brain, though John wasn't complaining._

_Waking up with Kaidan in his arms was definitely one of the most beautiful moments in his life. The simple love swelling his chest was so overwhelming, John grinned like a child on its birthday. Remembering what had happened the night before made that grin grow even wider._

_“You were pretty impressive,” John said and rolled on top of Kaidan, covering the other soldier's face with soft little kisses. “I've never expected that from you.”_

_“Shepard...” Kaidan moaned slightly. “I... yeah, it was... pretty spectacular.”_

_“Your first time?”_

_“With a man, yes.” Kaidan smiled._

_“Mine, too,” John admitted. “Kaidan, I'm serious about you this time. I never fell for a man before, but you... you're something special.”_

_“Uh, thanks. It's good to hear.”_

_While Kaidan's lips moved along his jaw, John closed his eyes and just let this moment last. He didn't know what exactly made this moment so good, maybe Kaidan's lips, maybe his skin, or maybe it was simply because Kaidan was there._

_With the images of the previously night flashing through his mind and the reaction to Kaidan's blow-job attempt, John felt his lust returning. Grinning like a teenager, he considered the chance of fluffy morning sex._

_“What are you thinking about right now?” Kaidan whispered at his ear and kissed his shoulder again._

_“I think I love you, Kaidan,” John blurted out. He cursed himself instantly and hoped he wouldn't scare Kaidan away with this. After the short time they had spent with each other and the even shorter time they were lovers, it was certainly way too soon to confess such strong feelings._

_Kaidan only chuckled and made himself comfortable in John's arms. John loved to hold Kaidan. Loved it how Kaidan pressed his face against his chest or shoulder. He wanted to protect Kaidan, to keep him safe. But in times like this, that was a very tall order._

_“I know, Shepard,” the major said. He shifted in John's arms and faced him with his slightly sheepish smile. “I’ve had feelings for you for a long time. Since the first Normandy.... I still care about you, Shepard. I don't know if it's time to call it love yet, but it's pretty damn close.”_

_“So you won't flee because I said the L-word too soon?” John grinned. He'd never had such feelings before. Not for a woman and not for a man. He liked Miranda, and Liara was dear to him. But Kaidan? “You know, my heart stopped when you got injured on Mars. Then I saw you in the hospital, barely alive. Kaidan, I just can't stand the thought of losing you.”_

_Kaidan sighed and John tightened his grip around his lover._

_“Shepard, I think with this war going on, we can't afford to wait any longer. And you won't lose me, I promise.” He extended his head and John leaned in to present him with a very deep and long kiss._

_He pressed his whole body against Kaidan and for a while, they just laid there, breathing together and kissing each other. How could he be so stupid not to realize this any sooner? Thinking back, John admitted to himself that he'd had feelings for Kaidan for a long time. Maybe even since the days of the SR-1 when he flirted with Kaidan for fun. Or was it Horizon when he felt the sting when Kaidan turned his back on him?_

_“Shepard, you're okay?” Sliding one leg between his tights, Kaidan's hands moved over his arms. God, John just loved the way Kaidan touched him._

_“I was just thinking...” John breathed. “About us.”_

_“Do you regret your decision?”_

_“No,” John said certainly. “Not a bit. With all the misery out there, you're the only thing I look forward to. I'm just thinking of what might happen to us when the war is over.”_

_Kaidan managed a short laugh. His chest quivered slightly when he did that and again, John noticed just how human and vulnerable Kaidan was. Though they were both soldiers tough as Hell, John knew only one bullet could be enough to separate Kaidan from him forever. Thousands of scenarios ran through his head simultaneously and every one of them made his heart clench._

_The images of Kaidan being slammed into the Cerberus shuttle flashed back and John bit his lips by the pain he felt inside. His arms closed around Kaidan tightly and he pressed his lips onto Kaidan's, almost hungry, almost desperate._

_“Shepard,” Kaidan whispered against his breath. “We both signed up for this. We know what's at stake. We don't know how this is going to end, but I'm willing to do anything to end this. Even if it kills me.”_

_“Hey, I died once,” Shepard replied, hands moving down to stroke Kaidan's butt, which felt so good in his palms. “You better not do the same to me.”_

_“Is that an order, Commander?” Kaidan teased._

_“You bet, Major!”_

_“What we're doing is fraternization, you know?”_

_“Hey, I saved the galaxy twice and I'm doing all I can to save it again.” He looked deep into Kaidan's brown eyes, trying to ease his worries. “If there's one thing I can demand, and I don't accept a 'no' as answer, then it's a boyfriend.”_

_“Hmm... I admire your determination, Commander.”_

_“And I admire your devotion, Major.” John smiled, feeling his lower body react to Kaidan's teasing fingers._

_After another kiss, John turned Kaidan around, pressing his erection against the other man. He gently parted Kaidan's cheeks and stroked his entrance with his aroused part. The warmth of that body felt like a haven and at this time, war and all the danger in it seemed to be very far away._

_The aroused moan from Kaidan was his permission. Covering his erection with lube, John gently entered his lover, causing an even louder groan from the major._

_“Shepard....” Kaidan whispered, throwing his head back, making John kiss his hair._

_“Call me 'John'.” John offered. And slowly but intensely he moved his hips._

_“John... yes...”_

_Kissing him, embracing him, loving him, John put his heart into the act. This wasn't like the times he joined with Liara or Miranda or Tali where lust dominated all his feelings. In Kaidan's arms, in Kaidan, John could be nothing but a man. Nothing but himself. Not a commander, not a spectre, not even a soldier. Only a lover._

_With Kaidan's lips on his own, John felt the waves of love washing over him, encasing him, full-filling him. With hands tight around Kaidan's waist, he joined his body and his soul with Kaidan, knowing that he would never be alone again. When the peak of love took them, John was grateful that Kaidan was the one who carried his essence._

 

As he opened his eyes, the image has slightly changed. Kaidan wasn't in his arms anymore but sleeping peacefully at his side. Though the man he desired was still there, John felt his chest grow empty of feelings he couldn't describe.

Looking down on himself, he tried to understand what had just happened. His hand was covered with his own load and the calming feeling of Kaidan's skin was long gone. Gasping slightly, John felt close to tears from reason he didn't know. The sensation of loss punched a deep hole in his guts and he cursed his mind for torturing him with dreams and fantasies he could never fulfil.

“Shit.” He muttered and left his once warm and welcome bed.

Bending over the sink, John splashed icy water over his face, trying in vain to force his mind to clear. “Dammit, John! What have you done!?”

He could he? How could he do this last night? Now as his dream faded, the memory of his union with Kaidan was the only thing could think of. Touching his own lips and John remembered how Kaidan had kissed them last night. When he closed his eyes he could almost see those big, brown eyes glancing up at him, longing for him.

“No!” He shook his head, whispering to himself.

This couldn’t be true. Kaidan wasn't the one. Kaidan was seduced by him, but Kaidan did not love him. Not like he did in his dreams. Not like the major did. The longing he saw and the love he felt during their union must have been tricks played by his lonely heart.

“Shit, John!” he muttered under his racing heartbeat. “You played with fire!”

Last night, he only wanted to thank Kaidan for all his support with a friendly dinner. But somehow things got out of control. A curious thought about Kaidan's preferences and a spontaneous impulse had made him start the stupid game. The one hot game which burned him alive. Maybe, he was just too desperate that he jumped his friend? Or maybe something else?

To be honest, this hadn't been the first wet-dream he had about Kaidan. Ever since the evening where Kaidan had told him about his dead friend and John had his first imaginary kiss with Kaidan, he'd been tortured by erotic scenes when he slept. Though he enjoyed it at night, he couldn't live with the guilt he felt during day.

John had blamed his subconscious for this. He was just lonely and wanted someone he could turn to in his weaker moments. But instead of focusing on finding his old lover, he replaced her with the only person he liked to spend time with. Maybe he was even attracted to Kaidan, but it didn't mean he had an excuse for forgetting why he came here in the first place. His heart was still with the major. In his dream, he addressed Kaidan that way and....

“Don't fool yourself, John,” he whispered to the person in the mirror. “You like Kaidan, but don't forget that she's the one you want!”

“You know, I'm here to talk if you really want to hear your own voice.” Kaidan sounded from the bedroom, his husky voice slightly muffled. “Are you okay?”

When John came out of his bathroom, he was relieved to see that Kaidan had put on some pants. But these tight black boxers weren't any better than a naked Kaidan. Dreamily and totally adorable, Kaidan sat in his bed, looking at him with the same longing look he thought he'd only imagined.

“I'm all right.” Avoiding Kaidan's gaze, John moved towards the kitchen. He seriously hoped that he could find something interesting enough to distract him from the beautiful sight of the colonel. He never realized it, but the way Kaidan's brows moved when he frowned was so sensual it was enough to make his heart jump.

Forcing himself to think about something else, John searched his kitchen for coffee. It took him several minutes until he found it, which was just scary because he'd passed the drawer twice already. Finally giving up on not thinking about Kaidan, he sighed, facing the awkward morning after.

Kaidan looked gorgeous in his Alliance Uniform. Blue. Blue suited him so well. He'd seen Kaidan the first time in a set of blue armour and every evening when he needed someone to talk, Kaidan was always there in his blue uniforms. And John could never forget how graceful his biotics flared, turning his eyes into a shape of blue he couldn't describe.

Swallowing hard, John put a cup of coffee on the bar for Kaidan. He supported his arms on the shiny surface and felt the need to hide his shameful face.

“Morning,” he choked when Kaidan made his way to him.

“Shepard,” Kaidan's voice was low, but too close for John to be comfortable. “Is everything all right? I've never seen you shake like this before.”

“Kaidan, I...” John sighed. Where was his badass attitude when he needed it? He'd thrown out so many one-night stands without the tiniest flicker of guilt, now he couldn't even look Kaidan in the eye? “Look, I don't know how to do this. I...”

Kaidan's hands were suddenly on his, warm and comforting. “Hey, it's okay. Just tell me what's going on.”

“Kaidan....” Moving his hand away from under Kaidan's, John leaned back. “There is someone I need to find.”

“Yeah, you mentioned that yesterday.” Kaidan nodded, reminding him what a mistake he made last night.

“Yeah, I did,” he sighed.

“So, are you going to tell me who he is or should I start guessing?”

Goddammit! Kaidan still sounded so warm-hearted and so willing to help. How should he start this for god's sake!? How should he ask an one-night stand who's also your friend to use his Spectre status and Alliance access to help you find your old lover?

“It's a she actually. I...” John stammered. “I dreamed about her. She's the reason I came here in the first place.”

“Do you have a name?” Kaidan asked. “Or a description?”

 “No. Neither of both.”

“Anything else?”

For a second, John thought about telling Kaidan that she probably had been an Alliance Major. But Kaidan was a by-the-book soldier. If John had been part of the Navy and she'd been a soldier; that would have been fraternization. As an Alliance officer, Kaidan had to report him, and if she was still out there, he might just get her into serious trouble.

“No, nothing.” He shook his head.

“Look, you must at least give me something.” Kaidan chuckled amused.

“Okay, she was there where we fought the last battle, I think. And she's human. That's all,” John sighed. Now, after he'd spoken out what he was willing to share, it seemed almost impossible to find someone with such less information.

“Look, Shepard,” Kaidan started again, still trying to help. “This really isn't much. Just tell me all you know. Anything can be useful. Your relation to her. Any involvements. Any scenario. Come on, don't leave me hanging.”

“I think, she might have been my wife.”

“WHAT?” Kaidan gasped.

“Or my girlfriend. I'm not sure.”

“What did you just say?” Kaidan's voice sounded suddenly very tense.

Glancing up, John saw that Kaidan's hands were clenched around his cup so tensely his knuckles turned white. His face was a mask of shock and he turned pale as John watched him. His eyes glared at John and for a moment they sparkled blue.

“Kaidan...”

The colonel turned his face away as if John had slapped him. His gasps quickened and his chest trembled. When Kaidan slowly rose from the stool, he was surrounded by the ghostly glowing of a mass effect field.

“I'm sorry,” John said, feeling guilty. “It's... I love her. I still do. And I need her. I never meant to hurt you. But you have to understand this....”

“Really?” Kaidan whispered, stepping back to the apartment door just the same way he did when he interrogated John in the C-Sec cell so many months ago. “Do I?”

“Kaidan....”

“You know, usually people don't just fuck me senseless and then tell me to find their ex-girlfriend the next morning!” Kaidan shouted suddenly.

His voice was hoarse. He sounded so wounded; John couldn't make himself look at him. Kaidan was right. He was being an asshole. But if he had to choose between a friend he learned to appreciate after a few months and the woman he loved and who meant happiness for the rest of his live; his choice wasn't very hard to make.

“I need to find her,” John said again.

“Fuck you, John Shepard!” Kaidan snapped.

“Kaidan, we're both adults. We know how this works,” John said calmly, watching Kaidan catch his breath.

“Yes, you're right.” Kaidan said, nodding, sounding very controlled all the sudden. “I should have known. I was just fooling myself. I...” Kaidan swallowed visibly and then the biotics around him died, exposing John's friend again. When he spoke again, his voice was barely a whisper. “If she can make you happy, I'll find her.”

“Thank you,” John sighed and felt the relief on his mind. “You're a friend, Kaidan.”

“Just save it, Shepard! I'm done with you!” Kaidan hissed, punching his arm on the console on John's front door. “I'll send you the reports, when I've finished.”


	10. Dark clouds of London

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan remembers again

Once the door was closed behind Kaidan, he felt his legs losing their strength to support him. Sliding down the door, facing his empty apartment, Kaidan wished his mind would be just as peaceful.

“No, no, no!” He warned himself. “Don't freak out! Focus! Think!”

But focusing and thinking were far beyond his abilities right now. All he wanted to do was to scream and find something to punch in hard. With that thought, a blue energy blast hissed through his apartment and within seconds the glasses and bowls in his open cupboard were nothing but shreds.

“Dammit!” Kaidan cursed. Trying to calm his heart by breathing in and out deeply as he'd learned from Brain Camp, Kaidan forced himself to think about something relaxing and beautiful. Mostly, he'd think about his home. His parent's house in Vancouver had always been a place he could hide from his worries and sorrows. He remembered the troubled days when all he needed to calm himself was to look upon the sky over English Bay, which was as blue as Shepard's eyes.

“Shit!” He swore again and another blast of his biotic power went through the room, blowing his couch-table against the wall. Not wanting to demolish his apartment any further, Kaidan ripped his thoughts away from Shepard's eyes. He needed something calming. Liara's face appeared in front of him and her soft voice sounded in his head.

Before he knew it he was at the comm-booth, punching in Liara's connection code. If there was someone he could count on, then it was Liara. She'd always been there for him and if Kaidan remembered it right, she had offered to share wisdom and advice anytime he needed it.

“Kaidan.” Liara appeared in his comm-booth after a while. She looked exhausted and Kaidan nearly face-palmed himself for forgetting about the time-difference between the Citadel and Thessia.

“I am surprised to see you,” she said and Kaidan exhaled deeply. “Is there something you need?”

“Liara,” he sighed. “Sorry for waking you.... I'm just so... ah... confused.”

“Okay, let's hear it.”

“You told Shepard everything?” She asked, concerned.

“No, not that....”

“So you slept with him?”

“How do you know that?”

“Just a guess.”

“I don't want to play games, Liara,” Kaidan sighed again, rubbing his temple and feeling the return of a headache. “Yeah, I slept with him. But that's not why I called.”

“So?” If Liara had any disapproval about Kaidan's behaviour, she didn't show it and Kaidan was grateful for it.

“I need information on his ex-girlfriend.”

“Which one?”

Ouch! That hurt. “All of them.”

“Kaidan,” she said with more edge in her voice. “Please tell me what exactly you need.”

“Okay, just one of them. He asked me to find her this morning and I....”

“This morning? I though you said that you....”

“I did.”

“I am so sorry, Kaidan.”

For a moment, there was only silence. Kaidan didn't know what else he could say because the sound of Shepard's voice was in his head again. He flinched at the words of Shepard confessing love to another person and in this moment he hated her as much as he hated the Reapers. No matter who she'd been or what she'd done, Kaidan just hated her, for Shepard loved her.

“Kaidan?” Liara's voice brought him out of his thoughts. Again, he was grateful for her interruption because the thoughts he was having might have lead him to a very dark place.

“Yeah.” Kaidan nodded, supporting his arms on the com-panel. “This woman. He said it might have been his wife.”

“Shepard is not married.” Liara seemed very eager to get this one right, as if it would make Kaidan feel any better.

“Well, bad for him. If he was, she might be easier to track.”

“Kaidan, this must be a misunderstanding.” She shifted on her feet and frowned even deeper. “If there were such a woman, I would have known it.”

“I thought that, too.” Kaidan's voice was a heavy sigh. “But I don't see how I could have misunderstood this. He was pretty clear about it.”

“We both knew Shepard. He wouldn't have done such things to you.”

“The Shepard I knew liked to play,” Kaidan growled, thinking of the times back on the SR-1, when the commander flirted with him just for the kick of it. “I don't know what I should believe anymore. Liara, every day he keeps talking about his ex-girlfriends. I try to tell myself, that that was all before me. But... how should I think he'd been serious with me?”

Liara stepped closer to the console and pinned down Kaidan with her very steady stare. “You shouldn't doubt him, Kaidan. Before we have proof, it's only speculations.”

Kaidan lifted one eyebrow at her tone. He might not be perceptive enough to tell if she was lying or not, but he'd known Liara long enough to notice if she was keeping something from him.

“Liara, tell me what you know!”

“Kaidan....”

“I'm not blind,” he hissed. “You're keeping something from me.”

“I have a lot on my mind, that all,” she explained, not looking at him. “After what you said, I'm concerned that things like these could pass my sight.”

“Like what? That he cheated on me?”

“We can't be sure yet,” she rectified. “We should remember, Shepard has amnesia. He might be confused or maybe the time-line isn't that clear in his mind. Or he might simply be mistaken.”

“I thought that at first,” Kaidan admitted, nodding slowly. “For a moment, I even wished that the woman he mentioned would be Miranda. Than I could almost be sure he didn't cheat on me. But then, he told me that she'd been with us in London.”

“That's very unlikely.” Shaking her head slightly, Liara's eyes narrowed. “We both have been there and we've seen it with our eyes. There was no such woman.”

“Why would he ask then?”

“The logical explanation would be that he's not remembering it right. Regardless of the fact that you were very close to him, I don't think you should do this. Don't stress your mind with this burden.”

Kaidan managed a short laugh. “Liara, do you really think I want to look for his slu...ex? I just... I don't know. I promised him I'll find her.”

“That's too much to ask.”

“Look, if it was up to me, I'd just kill her and tell him she's dead.” Kaidan closed his eyes for a second, ashamed of what he'd just said. “But, after all that he'd done, he deserves to be happy. Even if it's not with me.”   




“I can't believe what I'm hearing!”

“Me neither.” Kaidan chuckled, suddenly exhausted. “This is just stupid! It all sounds like extranet-drama. But Liara, I'm nearly forty. I'm tired of getting my heart crushed.”

“I'd like to help, if you’d let me,” She offered after a short pause.

Kaidan gave her a quick smile. “As long you're not Amour and shoot him with an arrow....”

“Who?”

“Amour. The Angel of love... never mind.”

Liara glanced at him with a curious look, then she smiled gently. “Kaidan, but be honest, how are you really doing?”

Kaidan snorted. “How should I be? I just demolished half of my apartment without really wanting to.”

“Maybe it's better if you let me handle this thing,” she said and tipped something on her end. “You're emotionally compromised right now. You really shouldn’t be the one doing the research. No offence.”

“None taken.” Kaidan buried his face in his hand. He didn't know what he could do. Maybe it was best to let Liara handle this. She was the Shadow Broker, after all. If she couldn't get to the bottom of this, no one could. “It might be better. I'm not sure if I'll have the composure not to kill her when I've found her.”

“This is a dangerous thought,” she warned.

“And I'm not so nice as everybody thinks I am,” Kaidan replied, not knowing why he'd just said that. “Yeah, you're right. I'll leave this to you. If I kill her, Shepard won't hesitate to kill me.”

“On that, I agree.” She smiled again and seeing her smile made Kaidan feel a little better. “Kaidan, in the meantime, you should try to take your mind off things.”

“I should cut the line, that's what I should do,” Kaidan grunted.

“I mean, it might be a good idea if you accept the offer to take your biotic-students off-station,” Liara suggested. She lowered her head a little and gave Kaidan a smirk, telling him that she was aware of all what was going on on the Citadel. “A trip to a hostile world might be the distraction you need.”

“Yeah, and I can finally do something I'm good at.” Kaidan chuckled. “Well, thanks for the chat, Liara. I really needed this.”

“Any time, my friend.”  




“And sorry about waking you. I forgot about the time.”

“It's all right.”  

When the comm ended, Kaidan was relieved that he wasn't angry anymore. He was still mad at Shepard, but what Liara had said made sense. He mustn't be so hard on Shepard. The man had suffered serious brain injuries; maybe he wasn't remembering right. Maybe he was talking about Miranda after all. Though Shepard never told Kaidan anything about her, he hadn't missed the glances she gave him. And there was this one time he met up with her in a Citadel apartment.

Shaking his head, Kaidan told himself that all was in the past. Leaning against the comm-panel, Kaidan sighed deeply. For a long time, he just stood there, thinking and watching the table, which was broken into pieces just like Kaidan's heart.

No matter how hard he'd tried, he just couldn't wrap his head around what had happened last night. That couldn't all be a lie, could it? All the tension between them couldn't have been an illusion, right? And the love? Shepard had whispered the words into his ears just like he used to. How could that be a lie?

Maybe he really should cut the line. Shepard had caused him more pain than any other person in his life. But yet, the commander had introduced him into realms of pleasure beyond his imagination. In the short weeks he'd really been with Shepard, Kaidan had gained so many beautiful memories he could fill his whole life with it. Every night he'd laid in Shepard's arms was like a dream he couldn't remember right, but couldn't forget either.

Moving into the shower, Kaidan cursed himself for thinking like a love-sick teenager. He was too old to be like this. Tugging his hands into his hair, Kaidan let the water spreading down on him, determinate to wash away the scent Shepard had left there. When the warmth of the shower consumed him, Kaidan let go of his emotions. His tears mixed with the water and even Kaidan couldn't say how much he cried.

Then he was there again.

 

_Under the dark clouds of London, Kaidan watched the commander approaching him. Shepard looked as messed up as Kaidan was. With his face darkened by the ashes of battle and shining from the little rain-drops falling from the sky, the blue eyes of the first human Spectre seemed to glow from the distance. Kaidan would never have enough of this sight. No matter where he was or what enemy he was facing, he always found hope when he looked at Shepard._

_Though words faded with years, Kaidan had never forgotten the feelings he had in Shepard's arms. Those strong arms were his haven when he needed it, and those strong arms had pulled him out of fire for so many times. He could still remember the sensation of Shepard's breathe on his neck and Shepard's hands on his hips._

_“When this is over, I'm going to be waiting for you.” Shepard had said to him with the look of determination on his face. Then he'd stepped closer and the expression turned hard, reminding Kaidan that Shepard wasn't going to accept any defiance of his order. “You better show up!”_

_All Kaidan could do was to close the gap between them. When he spoke, his voice was barely a whisper. “Don't get me wrong, I'm going to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again.”_

_With something so wonderful like Shepard waiting for him, Kaidan had every motivation to survive this Hell. He leaned his face on Shepard's armoured shoulder and breathed in. He'd hoped to smell the familiar scent of his lover, but all he could recognize was ash and blood._

_“Marry me, Kaidan!” Shepard had said without any warning._

_“What?”_

_“You heard me. Marry me, Kaidan.”_

_Caught off guard, Kaidan just stared at the commander with his mouth open._

_“You want me on my knees?” Shepard asked in his usual serious tone._

_Even there, Shepard managed to make Kaidan chuckle. “No, John. It's just....” He shook his head, thinking. When he looked back into the eyes he loved, there was only one thing he could say. “Yes, John Shepard. I'll marry you.”_

_That had finally brought a grin to the commander's face. Looking at it, Kaidan had realized that that was the first time Shepard had grinned in days._

_“Give me your hand,” the commander said, reaching out for Kaidan's gauntlet._

_“Don't tell me you have a ring.”_

_“Something better.”_

_Into Kaidan's palm, Shepard had dropped two metal-plates on a chain. The N7 dog-tags were slightly heavier than the normal one. Covered in Shepard's sweat and smelling like his lover, Shepard's dog-tags rested peacefully in Kadian's grasp._

_“Take care of them while I'm gone,” Shepard had whispered and gently closed Kaidan's palm._

_Kaidan had only nodded and then took out his own tags. When he dropped the dearest token of a soldier into Shepard's hand, he was glad that Shepard would keep them right at his heart._

_“I want them back on the other side,” Kaidan said. But when the words escaped his lips, Kaidan wasn't entirely sure there was another side to be on. But despite all, this was the least he could do._

_With a broad grin on his face, Shepard had eyed Kaidan's dog-tags the way he had looked at his model ships. The sparkle in his eyes was the only light Kaidan wanted to see at that moment, and the simple joy on Shepard's face illuminated the shadowy night this war cast over all of them._

_When their lips met, Kaidan could almost forget about the distant roars of the Reapers. Instead, his mind was filled with the ridiculous sound of wedding-bells. Kissing Shepard almost desperately, Kaidan felt his own heart clench. At that time he didn't know if there would ever be a wedding-night for them._

_“Take care, Major.” When Shepard walked away from him, Kaidan could feel the tears gathering in Shepard's heart. Of course the commander wouldn't cry in front of all the others. For them he was the hero. For them he was a symbol. But for Kaidan, Shepard was all that and much much more._

_“Stay save, John.” When the commander's features disappeared in the distance, Kaidan murmured to himself. “I love you.”_


	11. Talking about Kaidan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liara drops by and John talks about Kaidan. With and without knowing.

 

 “Son of a bitch!” John cursed and punched his fist on Kaidan's door.

 “He will not be happy about this.” Liara's voice sounded from behind him.

 Glancing back, John managed a quick smile. Somehow, every time he saw Liara, the asari became more beautiful. Dressed in a pale blue robe, the Shadow Broker walked down the hallway towards him with a grace only an asari could manage.

 “Nice to see you,” he said, trying not to sound too stressed. “A bulge in his door won't upset him any further after all the shit I've pulled.”

 “Glad to see that you know where you stand,” Liara nodded. “Just for your record, the training ground of the Alliance here on the Citadel might be a better place to release some aggression.”

  “Glad that you mentioned it,” John said, inviting Liara into his own apartment after giving Kaidan's door a last glare. “I have no idea where I stand. He's not responding to anything I send him. Not my calls, not my mails. Not even when I threaten to tear down his damn door.”

 “Your efforts are in vain.” She sounded so casual, as if she was talking about the weather. Considering the fact that she was used to hiding emotions in her voice, John thought it was rather adequate.

 “You know him better than I do,” John muttered, pouring a glass of water for Liara. “He makes a habit of disappearing for a month without saying anything?”

 “Usually not,” she confirmed.

 “Dammit, Liara! I don't even know if he's still alive!” John snorted. “I've sent him about a thousand e-mails, telling him I'm sorry. But I feel like I'm talking to a wall!”

 In his mind, John was calling Kaidan much worse than a wall. Knowing that what he did was unfair, John only wanted to apologize. When he finally found his courage to do so a day after the incident, Kaidan had already disappeared. Much to John's dismay, Kaidan hadn’t forgotten to change the clearance on his apartment, so John was forced to hammer on the door.

 With the job-description for a Spectre in the back of his mind, John felt his heart clench for a moment. He wasn't asking for forgiveness, because he knew there was none for the kind of shit he did. But nonetheless, John wanted to apologize. He just couldn't imagine what he'd feel if something happened to Kaidan and he hadn't had the chance to clear the air between them.

 With a frustrated sigh, John forced himself to focus on the present. For now, he was glad to see Liara again. Meanwhile, he almost remembered everything involving the asari doctor. He remembered finding her in the dig-site on Therum and how she had joined her mind with his the first time. He knew how she'd become the Shadow Broker with his help and how honoured he was to have her by his side during the last battle in London.

 Trying hard to ignore the delusion Liara created, in which she looked like a fragile, gentle maiden, John handed her the drink and sat down next to her on the couch.

 “So, you said you have something for me. You know where Kaidan is?”

 “I do,” she smiled, looking at him closely. “But, that's not why I'm here.”

 “So?”

 “You asked me to come during our last chat,” she reminded him without sounding accusing. “You said you didn't want to discuss things on comm.”

 “Oh yeah.” Slapping his forehead, John laughed at his own stupidity. He'd forgotten that he'd been too paranoid to reveal anything on comm and asked Liara to come personally.

 “I'm sorry, I couldn't make it any sooner,” the asari apologized. Something in her voice indicated that she already knew what this was all about.

 “So he told you,” John confirmed what they both knew. “Did he ask you to deal with me?”

 “I won't lie.” Liara nodded. “He is not the right person to handle these things. I'm hurt, that you didn't approach me for this kind of need. You know you can trust me, right, Shepard?”

 “It's not about trust,” John said. “It's just, Kaidan was right there and I just asked him. And I know you have a lot to do, so.... And you and me, we used to be... well, you know.”

 Liara chuckled a little. “Well, I've taken over this matter. Kaidan has other things which acquire his attention.”

 “What? He's too busy to help me?” John blurted out. “Where is he anyway? Wait, let me guess, it's classified!”

 Liara only nodded. John had no doubt that she talked to Kaidan a lot more than to him. But to know that Kaidan trusted her more than him wasn't a pleasant thought. Again, John cursed himself for treating Kaidan that way he did.

 If he hadn't told Kaidan anything, they might still be friends. Though he wanted the major back at any cost, he had realized that living without Kaidan was a lot harder than he'd thought. After months where Kaidan was a constant part of his life, John admitted to himself that days without his friend seemed empty and a lot longer.

 “Shepard?” Liara asked carefully. “Are you all right? What's bothering you?”

 “To be honest, I miss him,” John sighed.

 “I know,” she said in a very soft way. “But there are things you can't change.”

 “I know,” John took a deep breath. “I made my decision and now I have to live with it....”

 Maybe he would regret this for the rest of his life, but for now he had to focus on the future. Maybe one day, he would have his chance to apologize and maybe, if he was lucky, Kaidan might forgive him.

 “No need to dwell on it. Let's hear what you've got,” John said, giving Liara a smile.

 “Well,” she started and stood up. She slowly paced through the room and leaned back against his desk. “Kaidan informed me of the woman you seek. But I have to say, I couldn't find anyone like this.”

 “But you're the Shadow Broker,” John pointed out. “If you can't find her, does it mean she's....”

 “Non-existent,” Liara finished for him. “Shepard, I've mobilized many of my agents to find a woman fitting your description. I couldn't find one. So either she's not real or she's the best phantom I've ever encountered.”

 “No,” John said, shaking his head hard. “I know she's real. I might not know her face or her name, but I'm certain. And I know you didn't come here to tell me, that you've found nothing.”

 “Indeed,” Liara nodded. “I've found something. There were several human females you were involved with. Some of them seem very unlikely. One of the possible targets is called Miranda Lawson. We can be sure, that you two had a romantic relationship.”

 “No, it's not Miranda.” John shook his head again. “I remember her; she'd been with me during the fight against the collectors. But we broke up after that. I can still see her face. She was so disappointed.”

 “Very well, then,” Liara smiled, pleased.

 John knew that Liara didn't like Miranda much, though she respected the former Cerberus agent for her skills. Maybe it was because John chose Miranda to be the one on his side instead of staying faithful to Liara; but it could also be something else he didn't know and didn't really care.

 “I'm sorry about what happened,” he said eventually. “I never meant to hurt you.”

 “We had this conversation before,” Liara only said softly. “It was all in the past. There's nothing we can change. Now we need to focus on what we can change.”

 “Okay, hit me.”

 “There was still another one,” She continued. “Her name is Kasumi Goto. You worked together and she is a very capable... thief.”

 “A thief? What people did I work with?” He smiled at his own past. “But, that's unlikely. I remember Kasumi, she's just a shadow in my head.”

 “As I thought.”

 John raised an eyebrow at her. Though he was grateful for her help and the information about his own past, John didn't enjoy the fact that everybody knew much more about him than himself. And too, he couldn't lose the feeling that she knew that these two women weren't his lover.

 “There were several female officers aboard the Normandy,” John started carefully, still unsure if he should tell her about the rank or not. “Could there be anything?”

 “If there had been something, no way I would have missed it.”

 “Someone else on your mind?” John glanced up at her, feeling the hope of finding his lover boiling inside his chest. He didn't know why, but he had the feeling, he was already close.

 “There is no other, Shepard,” Liara sighed, looking not too happy. “I probably shouldn't reveal too much of your past. The doctors said....”

 “I know what the doctors said,” John grunted. “I know that they are concerned that I might not believe unless I remember it myself. But I trust you, Liara. I know you won't lie to me.”

 “Thank you, Shepard. That means a lot to me.” She smiled again. “But I'm sorry to tell you that you might be chasing a ghost.”

 “No, Liara,” he whispered. Standing up, he felt the agitation inside him. “She IS real. I know it. I'm certain that those aren't just dreams. They are memories. I sometimes wake up with a broken heart and I know it was her. I really loved her. She fought at my side, she watched my back, she even saved my life!”

 “Shepard, you had no other female human crew-mates beside Ashley Williams,” Liara said, leaning in. “I'm sorry, but Ashley died on Virmire.”

 “I know,” John sighed, remembering her voice in the last moments of her life. “I know.... but the major is real....”

 “Excuse me?”

 John had never thought he would ever hear surprise in Liara's voice. But when he looked at her, the expression of true astonishment couldn't be mistaken. She blinked at Shepard as if she'd just seen something really horrible or unbelievable. Then she quickly swallowed and regained her composure.

 “Goddess! Did you just say _Major_?”

 “I should have told you this,” John sighed. “I couldn't tell this to Kaidan. He might have to report us. I think she'd been a major and what we did was fraternization. I needed to protect her. I'm sorry, Liara.”

 After speaking out the one secret he'd be holding, John felt relieved. He only hoped, he hadn't made a mistake.

 “Did you know her?” John moved closer and laid one hand on Liara's arm.

 “Shepard, are you sure? What do you remember?” Disbelieve and shock was written all over her face. She again shook her head and glanced up at John.

 “I'm not crazy, Liara,” John defended himself. “I remember her kissing me, holding me, telling me to stay save. And I promised her I'll be waiting for her. I'm keeping her waiting for almost four years. I need to find her.”

 “Are you certain?”

 “Dammit, Liara! I am!” John hissed.

 “You said, she was a major....”

“I don't know if it really was her rank or not. At least I called her this way.” John closed his eyes and recalled the sensation of her lips on his. He refused to believe that this person in his dreams wasn't real. She had to be! She had given him so much strength. She was the one who kept him alive and kicking all these years. No, John would not accept that she was not real.

 Desperately, John forced himself to dive into memories. There weren't much. Though he dreamed about the major almost every night by now, the only one useful was the kiss in London since in all the others, the major had been replaced by Kaidan.

Keeping his eyes pressed shut, John replayed every second of this pleasant dream. He'd hoped for a glance at her face, but all he could see was a bluish figure in his arms. The major had whispered something in his ears while her strong arms touched his. She'd cradled his face in her hand and he had felt loved. And then, there was a sparkle of something metallic and a splash of red on her chest and John ripped his eyes open.

“Liara!” He gasped. “We exchanged dog-tags! I remember it! I gave her my dog-tag!”

Liara gasped and pressed her hands on her mouth. Her eyes widened and for a moment, and John thought Liara might burst into tears. Then she swallowed hard and when her hands came down, he saw a broad grin on her face. For the first time and maybe the only time, John witnessed Liara searching for words. She stammered something and when she found no way to express herself, she gave up and slapped her hand on her forehead.

“I see,” she whispered after a long pause full of panting. “Shepard, I am glad you told me this. You have no idea how useful this is.”

“You know her!” He hissed. This time he wasn't asking. He'd seen the recognition in her eyes and he knew Liara was the key to his wife. “Liara, tell me what you know!”

“Shepard, please trust me,” she said, already moving towards the door. “There is something I need to take care of before I can tell you anything. I will contact you, as soon as I have a location.”

“Wait, Liara!” John shouted after her. “You can't just leave me like this! I know you know her! Tell me, please!”

“Shepard, have patience, please.” When she turned around, John saw determination in her eyes. “You've been waiting for four years. I'm merely asking you to wait four hours. You will find your love, I promise!”

With that, she left.

It turned out to be four very long hours. John paced up and down in his apartment; unable to think about anything else than the woman he loved. He wondered how she was, what she was like or how she even looked like.

From all the vids and images of his old lovers, John had noticed his own favour for brunettes. So maybe she was one too. He had no doubt that she was made of stern stuff, but how would she react when she learned that he was still alive? Would she cry? Would she greet him with a warm embrace or just gasp as Kaidan did. Well there was no way their reunion could be any worse than his first meeting with Kaidan.

But then, a thought occurred to him. What if she really moved on? What if she had a new family? A new husband? A new life? Four years was a long time to wait for a dead man. What if she didn't even want to see him? Was she mad at him for making her wait so long? Did she even remember him?

Gasping, John banished the thought from his mind. No matter if she'd moved on or not, she deserved to know that he was alive. Reminding himself not to open old wounds, John reinforced his nerves with a shot of whiskey. He ran many scenarios in his head how their meeting might be, but all he could think of was how she's kissed him in the rubble.

When he heard his omni-tool beep, John nearly jumped from his stool. Opening the channel, he tried to remember how to breathe. When he read the title of his text-massage, his heart stopped.

 

_Subject: The waiting has an end._

_From: Liara T'soni_

 

_Shepard,_

_In order to avoid any further confusion or surprise, I took the liberty to set up a meeting. Come to the following coordinates in two hours. The person you seek will be waiting for you._

_Liara_

_P.s.: Leave the leather-jacket in your locker._

When John finished the text, he reread it three times before he could take in the meaning. Then, he felt his knees buckle and his hands hit the floor. With tears of gratitude rolling down his cheeks, John let out the loudest scream of relief he could manage.

After nearly four years, he'll see his love again.


	12. A pair of tags

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liara drops a bomb.

Breathing in air which wasn't filled with smoke or poison was a luxury Kaidan had almost forgotten. After four weeks of biotic-training in hostile terrain and hunting down a vengeful quarian, Kaidan was glad Liara convinced him to a dinner.

Glancing around the romantic-looking penthouse, Kaidan wondered what Liara exactly had in mind. Dressed in his Alliance fatigues, Kaidan felt very much out of place in this elegant living room with its asari-made decorations. Every time his steel-toed boots touched the priceless carpet, Kaidan hoped he wouldn't leave any marks on it.

The longer he stayed here, the longer Kaidan had the feeling he was an intruder. He had been to places like this before, but mostly he'd been in ceremonial uniform or his full armour. Feeling oddly vulnerable and awkward, Kaidan eyed the very comfortable looking couch and couldn't decide if he should sit down or not.

Trying to relax, he checked at his omni-tool. He was a little bit too early, but the reception VI told him that the room was already booked for Dr. T'soni. It tried to tell him that they usually didn't accept customers outside the dress-code, but when Kaidan pulled the Spectre card, the VI gave him the clearance.

Why Liara wanted to meet him here was still beyond him. If Kaidan didn't know it better, he would say this room was the best location to seduce someone. Still thinking about the location, Kaidan decided to wait on the balcony where his boots couldn't ruin anything. Resting his arms on the railing, he watched the artificial sunset in the distance.

Though the sunlight wasn't real, Kaidan could almost imagine it's warmth on his skin. It reminded him of Rannoch. He didn't know why, but when he touched down on the quarian home-world with Shepard and Tali, Kaidan had been stunned by the view. Sometimes, he wondered if Shepard would enjoy such a rare sight.

Aware of the fact that it might never come true, Kaidan still smiled at the thought of sharing a quiet sunset with Shepard. He didn't want much, only a few hours where he could enjoy the presence of the man he loved. If would be enough just to have Shepard next to him, resting his head on Shepard's shoulder or Shepard's arm around his waist. Just one more hour, one more kiss.

He missed Shepard. No matter what this new Shepard said or did, Kaidan couldn't stop loving him. How could he? Shepard was like a dream. An endless and beautiful dream. A shooting star. For it lasted, it was the brightest light in Kaidan's life. But now, when it was gone, all he felt was the sensation of loss.

How could he forget the man who defined him? All he'd been. All he was and all he would be? How could he stop to love the man who showed him what love really meant?

There had been a time when all Kaidan wanted was to be a good soldier, to save lives and to see what's out there. He still remembered the day when he saw the reports on Elysium how one single soldier succeeded to save his whole unit against overwhelming odds. He'd seen Shepard's blood-covered face in the vids and Kaidan knew that that was the kind of man he wanted to follow. And when he'd seen the said man in front of him the first time, Kaidan had counted himself to the luckiest men in the universe.

But now, after a four year war which felt like a lifetime, all Kaidan wanted was someone he could come home to. Only someone who'd greet him with a kiss on the cheek and tell him how much he'd been missed. That's not much to ask, was it?

Realizing that there might never be a home for him to return to, Kaidan sighed and watched the giant orange orb in the distance. He closed his eyes and let the phantom heat burn him, praying that he could find something else worth living and fighting for.

When the door hissed open behind him, Kaidan sighed out of relieve. Though Liara was late, it still reminded him that he wasn't alone after all. For a second he played with the thought that maybe she could be the one to fill the gap in his heart. She knew him as well as Shepard did. She understood him and was the most faithful friend he could ask for. So, maybe.

“Look at this,” he said when Liara appeared in the corner of his eyes. “I still can't believe that the war is over.”

“I heard about Rannoch,” Liara whispered. Her blue skin looked almost purple in the light and Kaidan found that this was really a very romantic situation. “I'm sorry, Kaidan.”

“Yeah,” he sighed, remembering his previous mission again. “Wasn't pretty....”

“You did the right thing, you know it. Every soldier would have done the same.”

Kaidan chuckled. “You know, Shepard told me the same thing after the Cerberus Coup. You remember? When I shot Udina. Funny, how history repeats itself.”

“Kaidan....”

“I don't regret what I did, Liara. Don't worry.” Kaidan smiled at her reassuringly. “I just wish... I don't know.”

“Kal'narra was ruthless. She had already killed many to get this far. She would kill more if given the chance.”

“So you saw the vids? Sometimes I wonder how you get such footage.” Kaidan turned to face her. “It's... Kal'narra seemed like a good person. I wonder what she was like before she went mad.”

“Kaidan, it's not your fault,” Liara insisted.

“I know.” Kaidan nodded. “It's just what she said, about Shepard... I don't know. Hey, look, you didn't ask me here to talk about a mad quarian. And by the way, it's good to see you again.”

“I should have come sooner.” Smiling slightly, Liara walked back into the giant living room and sat down on the elegant couch. Though she moved as she always did and didn't show too much facial expressions, Kaidan still noticed the tension in her. It never was much, maybe a flinch of an eye, a twitch of her mouth-corner, but Kaidan had known her for too long to ignore these evidences.

He approached her with care. “Everything alright, Liara? Is something bothering you?”

“Kaidan,” Liara sighed. “I have to apologize to you.”

“About what?”

“What I said... about Shepard,” she started hesitantly. “I was wrong when I judged you for not letting go. I was in no position to make such demands. I'm really sorry.”

Kaidan sat down next to her and gave her a short but reassuring smile. “It's okay, Liara. No need to apologize. You helped me more than you think. This little hunt really was what I needed. It reminds me that Shepard used to be the centre of my life because I made him so.”

“You talk as if he's dead.”

Kaidan didn't comment on that. He only sighed.

“Kaidan, don't shut him down!” Liara pleaded. It was actually the first time Kaidan saw Liara beg.

“You're alright?”

“I can't forgive myself if I am the reason for your misery.”

“Don't worry, you aren't,” Kaidan whispered. “But still, you were right. I have to move on. I can't always live in the past. It's about time I stop being the major and the second human Spectre and start to be the colonel and the _only_ human Spectre.”

“Don't you love him anymore?”

“How can you ask such things?” Kaidan hissed, trying hard to control his own emotions. He blamed the room for his inner struggle. Surrounded by moody lights and soft fabrics, it was all too easy to be carried away.

He took a deep breath and massaged the root on his nose. “Liara, you saw what happened on Rannoch; you know how I feel about him. It's just... I finally come to realize that what was between me and Shepard is in the past. I don't know if he'd been serious with me, but I know what I felt. Or what I feel.”

Liara opened her mouth for a reply, but closed it again. She watched the glass-table in front of her and Kaidan literally saw the dark cloud gathering over her head. He moved closer and hesitated about if he should put an arm around her for comfort or not. He decided against it.

“I don't want to make you uncomfortable,” he said quietly. “I appreciate what you're doing here. Looking out for me. But I'm fine. I can deal with it, in time.”

“Do you want him back?” Liara raised her gaze to look at him again.

Kaidan held the gaze and studied her deep blue eyes. He almost wanted to say 'no' as he realized how much he wished that Shepard was the one sitting next to him.

“Of course I want him back,” he sighed and hoped that the pressure behind his eyes wasn't a returning headache. “But Liara, I don't want to push it. It's over and we both should accept it.”

“You're giving up?”

“It's not that easy....”

For a while, Kaidan only watched his clenched fingers between his knees. He wanted to fight, but the wound Shepard caused was still raw and sore. Shepard had once said that he was always a man of integrity. That the best he could do was to listen to his heart. But now, Kaidan's heart wasn't talking to him. Not anymore.

“Kaidan, I came here for a reason,” Liara straightened in her seat. She took out a small box from her purse and turned it in her hand. “I don't want to open old wounds, but I think you might want this.”

“What is it?” Kaidan examined the small box. Its velvet surface felt smooth in his fingers and he heard something clink when he shook it.

“Just open it.”

Kaidan did without thinking too much and regretted it as soon as he saw the content. He'd never weep easily, but now he just couldn't hold back. Seeing Shepard's dog-tags in his hand, feeling the cold on his fingertips and even smelling the scent took him back to the place he tried to avoid.

“How....?” his voice died. Kaidan closed his eyes and remembered the pain right after the war when he cried in London's rubble. No one had ever seen the place he'd been to. No one had seen his heart which used to be as empty as the interstellar void.

Now, holding the only token of love Shepard had ever given him, Kaidan realized he'd never escaped the shadow-land he lingered in. He might have find a path to walk on, but one day he would reach the end and see that there was nothing waiting for him.

“How?”

“I salvaged it when I helped the Alliance rebuild,” Liara said softly.

“Why didn't you give it to me sooner?!”

“It was months after the war and you were already moving on,” she explained. “I didn't want to put you back to... you know.”

“Liara....” Kaidan sobbed. He wiped the tears from his face and looked at the dog-tags again. On the one side, it looked just as he remembered, but on the other site the metal was black. Though Shepard's name was barely visible, Kaidan still saw it clear and shining in his mind. He brushed his thumb over the blackened surface and lifted the metal to his lips.

“It's a pair,” Liara whispered next to him.

Kaidan blinked at her, then he registered that there was another dog-tag in the box. He gasped as he saw his own tags lying in the box, covered with smut and dried blood. Kaidan didn't need to ask, he knew. Laughing at the irony of this whole situation, Kaidan touched the one thing which supposed to represent his identity. The one thing, which was now covered with Shepard's blood.

It was a pair. How the chains of their dog-tags wrapped in each other, as if they were afraid of being separated. How they were tied together, reluctant to let go. For all these years, the token of their military tradition were resting at each other's side, waiting to be uncovered and kissed again. For a moment, Kaidan envied his dog-tags.

While he searched the galaxy for a reason to stay alive, his dog-tags were in Shepard's proximity, bathing in Shepard's blood. His dog-tags could enjoy the scent of the man he loved, could feel the cool of his material while Kaidan had to remind himself that Shepard was gone.

“Kaidan?” Liara's voiced sounded from very far away. She touched his arm but Kaidan didn't feel it. He closed the dog-tags in his hand so firmly the metal cut in his flesh.

When he regained his composure to look at Liara again, his whole face was wet from tears and his voice was hoarse.

“Why now?”

“Because you needed to remember,” she said.

“What? How painful it was to lose him?!” Kaidan hissed.

“No, Kaidan,” Liara explained. This time she wasn't the confidant Shadow Broker but only a girl who was overwhelmed by the chaos of emotions. “I only wanted you to remember how much you loved him!”

“For what!?” Kaidan pushed away from her and from the couch. He felt he needed to yell at her for manipulating him in this way. Who was she to decide what he should remember or not? Who was she to tell him what to do?

“Why are you doing this to me?” Kaidan cried. “You don't know how I feel. I loved him! More than anything in the world!”

Kaidan rarely got loud, but now he wasn't sorry for Liara, though she looked pained. She gently rose from her seat and stepped closer to Kaidan.

“You forgot, I loved him too,” she whispered.

“You might have, but not in the way I did!” Kaidan stepped away, not wanting her comfort. That Shepard had been with her was only another reason for Kaidan to cry. He'd never admitted to anyone, but he'd loved the commander from the beginning. “He meant everything to me. My whole life. My future! He asked me to marry him, that's why we exchanged tags. I don't know what to say, I have no words for it....” Kaidan shook his head. “It's like waking up and not knowing if it was a dream or not!”

For a moment, Kaidan just stood there, watching Liara and crying. Then, she finally moved and when she embraced him, Kaidan didn't push her away. He felt her arms around him and her breasts pressed against his chest. Her heart-beat was steady and the weight of her head was welcome on his shoulder.

“It was not a dream, I promise,” she whispered.

“I wish you're right,” Kaidan breathed out and buried his face in her neck. He'd never been so close to Liara before and her skin was warmer then he'd thought. He wrapped his arms around her waist and for moment, he didn't want to let go.

“Whoa, am I interrupting something?” Came a familiar voice from the door.

Kaidan ripped his eyes open and stared at the newcomer. The sight of Shepard in a black suit and with a bunch of red roses in his hands left Kaidan speechless. For a second all he could do was gasp, then he remembered what he'd been caught at. He hastily stepped away from Liara and wiped his face clean of any remaining tears. No way would he let Shepard see him so vulnerable.

“No,” Liara said a little out of breath. “But your timing is terrible.”

“What is he doing here?” Shepard demanded, looking offended.

“Yeah, I'd like to know the same, Liara.” Kaidan nudged his head in Shepard's direction. “What is _he_ doing here?”

“I'm asking the questions here!” Shepard tossed the bunch of roses on the couch and crossed his arms over his chest.

“First come, first served!” Kaidan shot back.

“Calm down, please!” Liara stepped in between them. “I asked you to come. Both of you.”

“Why?” Shepard and Kaidan asked at once. For a tiny moment, their eyes met and all what Kaidan could see was anger and confusion.

“Because you both needed a chat!”

“About what?” Kaidan challenged.

“How about why you didn't answer any of my mails!” Shepard hissed, pacing towards Kaidan in astonishing speed. He didn't stop until they were toe to toe and Kaidan could smell his scent again. “What were you thinking? Dammit! I told you not to disappear like this!”

“Don't touch me!” Kaidan hands found Shepard chest and pushed rather hard. “You don't make any demands of me any longer, _Commander_!”

“What, you want to pull ranks, _Colonel_ Alenko?!” Shepard hissed, scowling.

Seeing Shepard standing there, acting as if nothing ever happened between them filled Kaidan with anger, because he could remember what HAD happened between them. He felt cheated and betrayed. Used and then abandoned. This man, the gorgeous looking man in front of him was nothing like his husband. Nothing like his lover. He was an imposter. A demon sent by the devil himself to torture him. To remind him how hard it was to live without him.

“I'm done with you!” Kaidan snorted, determinate not to give Shepard another chance to hurt him. “Liara, thanks for the talk, but I'm leaving!”

“No!” She lifted her hands and cut off his way. “No, I should leave. And you two should talk.”

“No, we don't!” Kaidan hissed again. “I have nothing to say to him!”

“Maybe he does.”

“I don't want to listen!”

“I'm right here!” Shepard reminded them.

“Don't be like this, Kaidan! Don't let it be a second Horizon.”

“That's not fair, Liara! You know what he did to me!”

“I'm still here!”

“Shut up, Shepard!” Kaidan hissed.

“Kaidan, he came because of you,” Liara said, still composed.

“Why?”

“Why don't you let him explain for himself?” Liara challenged.

“I don't want to listen to his lies.” Kaidan whispered.

“I just stay here and watch you two....”

Kaidan didn't let him finish. With one smooth motion, Kaidan caught Shepard in a mass effect field he controlled. He threw his once CO across the room where he slammed into the far wall. The sound of Shepard's grunts offered him pleasure in more than one way and Kaidan watched with heavy breathe how Shepard crawled back to his feet.

“I said _shut up_!” He snarled.

“Kaidan!” Liara warned, also flaring blue.

“He deserved it!” Kaidan justified.

“Maybe he did, but please calm down, Kaidan.” Liara's biotics faded as she again positioned herself between Kaidan and Shepard. “He's here for a reason, just as you are.”

“It's not just dinner I assume” Kaidan said, watching Shepard scowl at him.

“Certainly not.”

“What did you tell him?” Shepard asked behind Liara, loosening his shoulder, maybe even preparing for a fight.

“None of your business!” Kaidan barked.

“Shepard,” Liara ignored him. “I didn't lie about the reason why I asked you to come.”

“You said she'd be here.” Shepard looked confused. “It's... _you_?”

“No!” Liara gave Shepard a glare Kaidan had seen from his mother once.

Kaidan shivered and glanced around. So Shepard came here because Liara found the woman he hated? Not moving away, he started to search for a concealed door with his eyes and almost expected to woman to step out. Then he shook his head, telling himself that it was a stupid thought. He'd checked all the rooms when he arrived and no way could she hide here for hours without him noticing her.

“What's going on?” Kaidan asked again, unable to bear the tension anymore.

“Yeah, I'd like to know too!” Shepard crossed his arms over his chest again, just the way he used to.

“You asked for a major you exchanged tags with,” Liara started and turned to look at Kaidan. “There he is.”

“WHAT?”

_A major he exchanged dog-tags with?!_

“Wait, are you telling me....”

"Yes, Kaidan. Shepard was looking for you all the time!” Liara sounded very sure of herself. Kaidan on the other hand was more than a little confused.

“No way!” Shepard gasped finally.

“Why not?” Kaidan blurted out.

“I'm talking to Liara!” Shepard shouted.

“Why not, Shepard?” Liara repeated Kaidan's question. “Are you sure it was a woman?”

“Of course!” The way Shepard said it let Kaidan want to punch him. Though Kaidan still couldn't make sense of what Liara just revealed, he hoped it might be true.

Who was he trying to fool? He wanted it to be true. And of course it was true! He'd been there with Shepard in the trenches. He was the one Shepard asked to marry. He was the one Shepard loved. And still did.

“What exactly are you looking for?” Kaidan asked breathlessly. He needed to be sure before he opened his heart again. No matter if he was furious about Shepard or not, he just couldn't stand another defeat.

“Liara, it was a woman,” Shepard whispered. “I... saw her.”

“You never saw her face, did you?”

“She kissed me....”

Seeing Shepard tremble made Kaidan want to comfort him. So why not? If all he needed to do was to convince Shepard that he'd been the one, the battle was already won. No matter what odds he was facing, in this war truth would prevail.

With urges burning inside him, Kaidan crossed the meters separating him from his happiness. He grabbed Shepard neck and forced Shepard to look at him. He didn't linger on the surprise in Shepard's eyes, he just kissed him. He kissed Shepard like he did in London. With one hand on Shepard's neck and one arm around his waist, Kaidan pressed his body against Shepard's. With tongue over Shepard's lips, forcing them to part, Kaidan hope he was right.

He hoped this was not just a dream. He hoped that this was the last battle he had to fight.

And yes, with hope and a fighting chance, there was nothing he couldn't achieve.


	13. Lost and Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liara sneakes out and leaves Kaidan and John to clean up the mess.

Kaidan's lips were soft and warm. His stubble tickled and his tongue sent lustful thrills down John’s spine. The hand on the back of his head was full of determination and the muscular body pressed against his made John's loins twitch.

He wanted Kaidan. He desired the god-like body and the amazing ass. He wanted to fuck Kaidan. He wanted to hear him moan a declaration of love and feel what he felt in his dreams while he fucked Kaidan.

It was easy to get lost in Kaidan's strong arms and befuddled by his scent. It was easy to forget why he was here when he thought of the pleasure awaited him and it was easy to feel safe while Kaidan held him.

Still trying not to get lost in a maze he might never leave again; John realized he was already too deep to retreat. His hands were already exploring Kaidan's body and his leg was already pressed against Kaidan's promising bulge. The collar of his new-bought suit was too tight and Kaidan's buffed fatigue was in the way.

He wanted to lift Kaidan off the floor and feel Kaidan's legs wrap around his waist. He wanted their cloths to vanish so he could enter Kaidan right now. He wanted to slump into the couch and deepen himself inside Kaidan and fuck him until he didn't know his own name.

But all he did was remaining rooted and let Kaidan kiss him.

He couldn't move. He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe and he couldn't stop.

“Shepard,” Kaidan whispered against his lips. Again, he heard longing in that husky voice and he didn't know if he was dreaming or not. He had no explanation why Liara should lie to him but he also couldn't think of a reason why this should be real.

It was all too terrifying and all too tempting. He wanted to believe that his search had an end. He wanted to believe that the person he loved was the person he liked so much. But his mind was blank and he couldn't connect the dots.

“No,” he whispered. “Kaidan, stop.”

“Why?” Kaidan’s voice was barely a whisper, but it expressed all the hurt the biotic must be feeling. John was fully aware that all what he was doing was cruel, but he couldn’t just simply give into this.

“I need to understand,” John explained. He took a step backwards and placed his hand on Kaidan’s chest. He felt the reluctance in the other man as he gently pushed Kaidan away. “I can’t just… go with it. Too much happened. I need to be sure.”

Kaidan managed a sound which was half a chuckled and half moan. He nodded slightly and stepped back to lean against the wall. Then, he sighed heavily.

“I don’t know you anymore,” he said, lowering his head a little and gazing at John with those eyes full of sorrow. “Where it the man I used to love?”

Buying himself some time to think of a reply, John glanced around. He hadn't heart Liara leave but she wasn't there anymore. Even without being sure about it, John felt it deep in his guts that Liara had silently retreated to give them some privacy.

Suddenly realizing it, John started to understand the set up. This was a very romantic-looking room. With its wide balcony and all the flowers and soft looking surfaces, it was perfect for lovers to reunite. Maybe she wasn't lying. Maybe she knew it all along.

“That man is dead,” John said. He didn’t mean it, but it was the thing he tried to tell himself in the past months. “I’m not the one you want! I’m just John.”

Kaidan’s brows arced in pain. He turned his face away and bit his lips. Then he looked back to John with an expression of disappointment and grief.

“I don’t believe it,” he panted. “Shepard… where is my Shepard?”

“Dammit, Kaidan!” John gasped. “There is no ‘Shepard’! No ‘Commander’! It’s just me! You’re so blinded by the hero you can’t see who I am now! I am just a man!”

“Oh, screw the hero! All I want is you!” Kaidan snapped and then sighed. “Wanted.”

“Wanted?” John wondered. “You don’t want me anymore?”

“I’m tired of games,” Kaidan said, shaking his head. “I tried, but… I can’t take it anymore. If you aren’t serious, just tell me. But stop playing.”

“I’m sorry. I really am. I lost my head and… ” John lowered his face in shame. There was no apology which could make up to the crime he committed. “But if that what Liara said was true… then you are the one I was looking for?”

“A major you exchanged dog-tags with?” Kaidan laughed. “Yeah, that was me.”

"You sound so cold!”

Kaidan gave him an accusing glare then went back to study the floor. For a time John didn’t say anything but only watched Kaidan who supposed to be his lover if that what Liara claimed was right. It might be. In many of John’s dreams, Kaidan was the man he was holding. In those hours, John knew he loved Kaidan. He had always thought that Kaidan merely replaced the woman he loved, because the spectre was a close friend. Even now, John still couldn’t believe that those weren’t all just dreams but memories.

“I’m sorry, Shepard,” Kaidan said eventually with voice suddenly plain of any emotion. “I don’t know what you want to hear. What should I say? I don’t even know what I should say. That I loved you? That you meant everything to me? Yeah, I don’t know.”

“Just tell me the truth.”

“About what?”

“Everything!” John demanded. “One second you threw me across the room and the next you claim to love me? Kaidan, help me understand this!”

John saw Kaidan bit on his lower lip and clench his fist. The colonel took a deep breath and obviously was fighting an inner battle. “I know you’ve been injured pretty badly; but Shepard, I’m tired of waiting. You kept me waiting for four years now; isn’t that enough? It’s time you remember me.”

“It’s not like I can help it!” John felt wrongly accused. No matter what had happened between him and Kaidan, that’s not his call to make. “I don’t even know if I really knew you or if this is only some mad mind-game! You want me to believe you? Go ahead! Convince me!”

“You want me to beg for your love?” Kaidan hissed.

“No, I just want the truth!”

“Alright,” Kaidan challenged. He stepped away from the wall and stopped when they were toe to toe. John felt his muscles tense as Kaidan’s heat caught him. Again, he had to willingly resist the urge to grab Kaidan and fuck him senseless.

“We met in 2183 when you came aboard the Normandy with Anderson.” Kaidan started, brown eyes glaring at John. “We received a distress call from Eden Prime and went to investigate. We found the first prothean beacon and you received the vision about the Reaper Invasion. From there, it was a chase across the galaxy, for Saren. We lost friends during the fight and we became friends. Eventually, we defeated him and you saved the Citadel. And then, I had to watch you die when the first Normandy went down. I mourned you! I grieved. But I had to move on. And then, I met you again on Horizon two years later after Cerberus rebuilt you so you could fight the collectors. I shut you down and I still regret what I said back there, though you’ve forgiven me. When the Reapers finally hit, I was aboard the Normandy SR-2 and together we escaped. When I nearly died on Mars and my life flashed in front of me, I finally realized I loved you. When I told you about my feelings and you agreed on a relationship; Hell, that was the happiest day of my life!”

Kaidan made a pause to catch his breath, then, his voice turned soft. “Shepard, for a couple of weeks, I was really happy! I showed you sides of me no one ever saw, and in those weeks, I felt alive. You made me feel alive. Hun, when you asked me to marry you; I believed in a future. I believed in victory because you gave me hope. Then I had to watch you taken away from me! Again! I can’t tell you how much I mourned. For you, I tried to move on, but I couldn’t! Every time I close my eyes, I see you before me and I hate myself for I’ve never told you how much I loved you! I’m not wasting this chance! No, I’m not letting you go! Shepard, I love you! I always have and I still do and I cannot stop! Please, Shepard, believe me when I say…”

“Shut up!” John hissed. “Just shut up, Kaidan!”

He caught Kaidan in his arms and pressed his mouth onto Kaidan’s. He felt his heart clench as he repeatedly heard Kaidan’s voice in his head. _Shepard, I love you!_

John didn’t know where these feelings inside him came from but it felt like one of those mornings when he woke up with his heart crushed. He had no explanations for the tears gathering behind his closed eyes or the pain tearing him apart.  He cried while he kissed Kaidan. He felt their tears merge on their cheeks and their tongue touch. He pressed Kaidan to himself so firmly he felt the other man’s heart at his.

How could he be so stupid not to realize this any sooner? How could he waste so much time? Time he could have spent with Kaidan in happiness. All these month, the person he sought was right there. Kaidan was right there, caring for him, loving him. And all he did was to doubt and hurt Kaidan again and again. How could he be so blind?

“I am so sorry!” John sobbed against Kaidan’s cheeks. He turned his face away, ashamed of letting his tears flow like this. He wanted to be strong, strong as the man he used to be. The man who had the power to face down the threat to protect Kaidan, to save Kaidan. He wanted to be a man worthy of Kaidan’s love. “I am so sorry! I was such a jerk!”

“Shh….” Kaidan panted as they parted. His lips were red and swollen, while tears glistened on his cheek.

John suddenly remembered one of his dreams where Kaidan laid in his arms, trembling. He remembered the fear as he came to realize how vulnerable this man was. No matter what a soldier he was or used to be, there are damage no one was immune to.

Cradling Kadian’s face, John leaned in for another kiss, which was neither desperate nor firm. The tender kiss Kaidan placed on his lips awakened feelings inside John he thought he had forgotten a long time ago. The kiss took him to a world full of light and full of hope. A world full of promise and full of joy. It was a place he once dreamed about. A place he tried to get back to for so long.

Overwhelmed by all those emptions, John wrapped his arms around Kaidan’s chest. This time, he lifted the marine off the ground and felt the squeeze as Kaidan’s legs tangled around his waist. He enjoyed the pressure on his pelvis and he knew the weight he was carrying was the weight he wanted to carry for the rest of his life.

This was all too beautiful to be true.

Afraid he might see the empty ceiling of his apartment again when he opened his eyes, John forced himself to stay in this befuddled state. Dwelling on its sensation, John sucked Kaidan’s lips greedily. He rocked Kadian against his arousing part and moaned as he heart Kaidan moan.

Finding a way to the couch with eyes pressed shut was a lot harder than he’d thought. Not willing to wait any longer, John just dropped to his knees and gently laid Kaidan down on the fluffy carpet.

“Look at me, Shepard,” Kaidan whispered softly. “Open your eyes.”

Carefully and frightened, John obeyed. Kaidan’s caramel eyes were so full of warmth John felt his own heart melt. The truth in those eyes was a lie John wanted to believe. He remembered the beautiful time he’d spent with Kaidan in this realm and prayed he didn’t have to wake up ever again.

“Kaidan,” he begged. “Tell me this is not a dream.”

“If this it, I don’t want to wake up.”

“Let’s stay here, forever! Right here!”

“I promise.”

 And then, their lips met again. John didn’t know how long he had kissed Kaidan, but he wanted more. His hand fumbled with the reinforced straps on Kaidan’s uniform and he moaned at the sight of the other man’s skin. He leaned in to kiss one of his nipples and his tongue traced the scars on this muscular chest. Tough they were old and pale, John’s heart still hurt when he looked at the proof of Kaidan’s bravery.

Longing for more and too eager to join with Kaidan, John hastily and roughly removed his suit. The feeling of agility and the sight of Kaidan licking his lips made John smile. For a moment he just watched Kaidan. The way the marine laid under him, gazing at him with love was so familiar; John wondered how in god’s name he had managed to forget it.

He sat back on his heels and undressed himself while watching Kaidan slip out of his uniform. Once in a time which seemed so long ago, John was convinced he was only attracted to women. But seeing Kaidan before him, totally exposed, all of John’s theory had been proven wrong. He couldn’t describe how much he liked the defined muscles on Kaidan’s body, the tone of his skin, or the movements of his scars. All he knew was that he wanted to cover every inch of them with his lips.

With eyes fixed on Kadian’s erection, John pushed him down on the carpet. He didn’t remember any time he had taken one of those into his mouth, but Kaidan was the best start he could hope for.

Breathing hard, John closed his fingers around Kaidan’s manhood and the warmth surprised him. Bending down, John kissed it gently before finally parting his lips. The feeling of Kaidan’s cock on his tongue was a lot better than he’d thought.

He liked how it grew in his mouth and how Kaidan trembled because of his doing. His hands moved over Kaidan’s thighs while his head moved up and down, taking Kaidan in as deep as he could endure. With lips closed firmly around Kaidan’s cock, John sucked with force, not wanting to miss anything. He closed his eyes and all he could think about was how much he enjoyed hearing Kaidan gasp.

“Shepard!” Kaidan gasped with heavy breath. Every time John sucked, Kaidan shivered and the grasp on his shoulder tightened. “Oh, John!”

Licking over his lips which still tasted like Kaidan, John crawled back to kiss the marine again. Feeling Kaidan’s very hard cock pressed against his own, John smiled down at the other man. He would take his time today. He wouldn’t rush it as he did the last time. Tonight, it wasn’t just lust. It was like his dreams where his heart only beats because it belonged to Kaidan.

Sliding one hand between Kaidan's thighs, John slowly circled Kaidan's entrance. Until today, John still got hard sometimes when he thought of the view he had when Kaidan presented himself to him so willingly the last time. Seeing the image inside his mind and Kaidan's blushed skin in front of him, John felt his erection became more intense.

Feeling it, Kaidan smiled and his fingers closed around John's cock. The way Kaidan tugged it made John moan out loudly. Never before had he been touched like this. Kaidan's strong fingers were firm but also so tender. The small brushes of his thumb over John's tip send electrical thrills through his whole body. He bit back a cry and only thrust his cock into Kaidan's palm.

“Oh, shit!” he growled, lowering his forehead on Kaidan's chest. “This feels so good!”

When he lifted his heavy head to look at Kaidan again, the sight was almost enough to bring him to his orgasm. He watched Kaidan's eyes turn blue and how a faintly glowing cage emerged from Kaidan's skin, surrounding it and making him look like an angle.

With determination, John slipped one finger into Kaidan’s hole, making the other man gasp. Kaidan’s biotics flared more intensely as John added another finger. Tenderly teasing Kaidan, John’s mouth caressed the soldier’s abdomen. His tongue circled the arc of Kaidan’s navel while his other hand found Kaidan’s part again.

“Oh, John!” Kaidan gasped again, voice trembling. “Come on! I can’t wait anymore! I want you, now!”

Never before in his life had John taken a command with more pleasure. He positioned himself between Kaidan’s thighs and grinned as he saw the small bottle of lube hovering in mid-air, surrounded by a mass effect field. He took it and the chill of Kadian’s biotics made him shiver. Smiling down at the sentinel, John covered his own cock with the substance, then he gently stroke some around Kaidan’s entrance.

Feeling the anticipation burning inside him, John breathed in deeply. He still couldn’t believe that he was doing this again. With heart throbbing strongly against his ribcage, John searched Kaidan’s eyes for permission. After all he’d messed up; John wanted their union to be perfect.

“Relax, John,” Kaidan reassured him with a whisper. “Relax. I’m right here. And I’m not going anywhere.”

Hearing it, believing it, John caught Kaidan in another kiss. While the tenderness lasted, John pushed himself in, slowly and carefully. He felt the heat of Kaidan's body swallowing him, turning the rest of his existence meaningless. The sound of Kaidan's moans was the only sound he ever wanted to hear. His mind was trapped inside the proximity of Kaidan's being and bathing in all this, John felt loved again.

“Kaidan,” he gasped against Kaidan's trembling chest. His hands closed around the tight muscles on Kaidan's thighs while his pelvis crushed against Kaidan's again and again. “I....”

Moving himself into a kneeling position, John lifted Kaidan off the floor again. He rocked Kaidan against his cock, making the other man scream. Their eyes locked and Kaidan's skin flared blue again. Kaidan wrapped his arms around John's neck and came down for a kiss with both of them quivering. The way Kaidan kissed him almost sent John over the edge. He suppressed the feeling of climax to savour the moment. He wanted more. More of those gorgeous lips. More of this gorgeous man.

When they stopped kissing, both men were panting heavily. John had never used his own biotics for sex; but now, he wanted to be connected to Kaidan in more than this one way. When his skin started to glow blue too, sparks danced between them, filling the air with electric energy. The mass effect fields they created reached out for each other, eventually merging into one, cradling their owner in the centre of a blue flower.

As their bodies moved against each other in union, John felt at peace. He felt the fire inside his heart which had long before grown into an inferno he couldn’t extinguish. The heat of passion consumed both of them, forging them into one single soul.

With that passion demanding release, John slammed Kaidan back on the carpet. He used the force of impact to deepen himself into Kaidan which made the other man scream. The pain on his back caused by Kaidan’s fingers didn’t matter. The blood on his skin mixed with sweat had no meaning. Even the marks Kaidan’s teeth left in his flesh would only be a sign of truth when he woke up from his beautiful dream.

In this realm, John was free. Free to feel and free to love.

Bent over Kaidan and making him gasp with every thrust, John gave into Kaidan. With every move he made, he pressed a firm kiss on Kaidan’s lips. While his hands explored the rest of Kaidan’s body, John gathered his strength in his loins.

“Scream for me, Kaidan,” John panted. He flipped Kaidan around and took the position he enjoyed so much the last time. Holding Kaidan’s amazing ass in his palm, John parted it, making room for his own manhood. “Scream, Kaidan!”

Pushing in hard, John made Kaidan scream. The sound echoed through the room and John shivered with pleasure. Holding Kaidan’s pelvis tightly in his grasp, John was determined to fuck every sense out of Kaidan. Slamming their bodies together, John’s mind narrowed down to the feeling of Kaidan’s flesh. When he was close to peek again, John grabbed Kaidan’s chin and pulled him backwards until they kissed again.

While their lips were sealed to each other, Kaidan turned around, making John miss the warm feeling. He felt Kaidan’s fingers tangle in his and the floor disappeared under him. With no hold anywhere but Kaidan’s body, John realized they were hovering. While Kaidan’s biotics slowly and gently pushed him back on the floor, John watched with delight how Kaidan sat down on his hard cock. Lust rushed through his body and John’s toes curled into the carpet. His fingers tightened around Kaidan’s as the older man circled his hips, moaning, gasping, panting.

Time became meaningless and the world was silent. All he could see was Kadian’s blue eyes and all he could feel was the purity of Kaidan’s love. With nothing but passion and energy between them, John felt the climax of their union closing in again.

“Kaidan,” he moaned, pulling the other man down into another kiss. “Kaidan, join me!”

He didn’t hear Kaidan’s response, because a sudden rush of absolute perfectness overtook his entire being. Pressed against Kaidan and with their lips locked, John exploded inside the body of his lover.

For seconds, John dwelled in a realm where he could breathe under water and walk between stars.

When he slowly regained his awareness, he realized that they had come at the same time. Kaidan had collapsed over his chest and was now nothing more but a pile of gasping, boneless flesh. For a while, none of them tried to move away. They just stayed wrapped in each other and listened to each other’s heartbeat.

Eventually, Kaidan rolled down from him.

“I love you, John,” he whispered, sounding slightly sad. “I really do.”

“I know,” John replied, closing his arms tightly around Kaidan. Now after their biotics had faded, John could look into Kaidan’s caramel eyes again and find there the truth he desired. “I believe you.”

“So, what now?”

“I don’t know,” John sighed. “I still can’t remember much, but I am sure I knew you.”

For a moment, John couldn’t figure out what Kaidan’s expression meant. He wasn’t sure if Kaidan looked confused or just hurt. Feeling his new found, old lover shivering in his arms, John’s heart clenched. He pressed his forehead against Kaidan’s and enjoyed the scent of his breathe.

“Kaidan, I know I can’t undo my mistakes, but if you can give me another chance, I’d like to make things right.”

Kaidan gave him one of his laughs. “I don’t see how. You are good the way you are.”

“I hurt you.”

“Yeah, you did.” Kaidan leaned his head on John’s chest and breathed in deeply. “But you know what? It’s quite flattering when I think of why you did this.”

“Yeah?”

“John, you rejected me because you wanted to stay faithful to me,” Kaidan explained. “Oh shit, it sounds so confusing and creepy, but you know what I mean.”

“Sure.” John laughed at the reminder of his foolishness. Hearing it from Kaidan, it did sound hilarious. “So, we’re good?”

“Yeah, we’re good,” Kaidan said again. “Sorry for tossing you around; seeing you there sent me spinning. Liara was right; it was Horizon all over again.”

“Since I don’t know what happened on Horizon,” John said, rubbing his face against Kaidan’s hair. “We’re good.”

“Still, what do we do now? I violated a clear order by telling you all this, but it was worth it.”

“You had orders to keep me in the dark? Who gave it? Let’s go finish him!”

“Believe me,” Kaidan chuckled. “You don’t want to mess with Hackett. But it didn’t answer my question.”

“I still don’t know, Kaidan,” John sighed. He pressed his lips on Kaidan’s forehead and searched his mind for a solution. Eventually, he decided to let go. “Kaidan, I just want to be with you. Even if you’re not the Major, I still want _you_.”

“Without a past, we can still have a future, right?”

“Exactly,” John nodded. “So how do we do this? Don’t tell me you want to date.”

“I think we’re past that state,” Kaidan chuckled. “So?”

“How about we go grab some sandwiches and then go home?” John blurted out. He realized how unromantic it was as he saw Kaidan’s brow twitch and added hastily. “Or, we can stay here if you want.”

“No,” Kaidan smiled at him. “Let’s go. Home sounds nice.”

“Kaidan?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you, too.”

“I know, John. I know.”

 

-THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Story is inspired by this vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyUJV3_2zMc&list=PL83B13EEA3A77879A&index=5&feature=plpp_video


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